The Official Writing Challenge
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I enjoyed this, but I felt that a few of the verses were a little weak. Your message was great and the story was captivating, but to really hit home with me, I would like to see it "tightened up a bit." I really don't want to said too negative, as you did do a fabulous job with the message, word choice and story.
05/19/06
A great message for us all. Perhaps the same message could have come across with fewer verses, but I liked the rhythm.
This poem had a steady rythem but was rather long. Some of the rhyming was almost a stretch, but it had a great message.
05/22/06
This is very good, I was only puzzled about "offrin'" when "offering" wouldn't have upset the rhythm, and would be more in keeping with the tone of the poem. Otherwise, a great ballad, and a lesson well learned.
05/23/06
I do like the character you have drawn here - she just doesn't make the connection! A difficult task to take on in poetic form, but you got your message across.
05/23/06
Loved the message. Great points! Since you're a master I'll say that some of the verses were forced and / or used weaker than needed words. You probably could have trimmed a few verses out and still brought home the same point. BUT, the vast majority of the work was right on and, as I said, the message was killer.
05/24/06
Message inspiring! Good job!
05/24/06
If this was your idea of an experiment, then I'd have to say you've done REALLY well! Don't give up on poetry just yet - this is a fabulous start. A little polishing and practice (just like the honing you've done for articles & stories) is all it'll take. Keep at it, 'cause you seem to have a pretty good feel for it.
Especially liked the first stanza - you hooked me right off. :-)