Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Hope (05/04/06)
By Sally Hanan
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
I am a 64 year old man: short, balding, pot bellied, and I hope you don’t have a problem with the passing of gas.
I like watching the sports’ channel, and drinking my beer.
I’ve been married four times. The first one died of heartache, or so she said before she passed. The second one left me after six months; she said I lived like a pig and she was no sow. The third one met a Fabio look-alike and said he was the butter on her bread, whereas I was the mold. The fourth got saved by the glory, glory hallelujah band and said she now had purpose to her life - and it wasn’t looking after a slob like me.
What I’m looking for now is my fifth and final love. To be my ideal mate you must cook everything from scratch, pick up after me without nagging, keep a clean house, like the sports’ channel, and drink beer.
You’ll never prod my stomach and tell me I need to go on Biggest Loser. You won’t get religion and push me out of bed on Sundays to dress up and go to church. You won’t force me to visit your family on holidays and pretend like I’m glad to be there. You won’t pine for children. You won’t ask me what I spent my paycheck on, ‘cos it’s none of your darn business. You’ll never get emotional or drive me to a marriage counselor or shrink - no way, no how.
I have a preference for the 20-30 age group, so I can train you in, although any age up to 40 will do – I’m not picky. I like a woman over 5’4”, long straight hair, a beautiful smile, and I’d like you to be well endowed, if you know what I mean.
I have much to offer: a stable relationship (I ain’t going nowhere), a warm body at night, money every week for grocery shopping, a doublewide that is the envy of all the neighbors, and an old ’88 Chevy out the back that I can fix up for you. You won’t be working - God made women to stay at home and keep house. You won’t need to worry about making any decisions – I’ll be making them all.
I’ve taken out an 800 number to handle all the calls: 1800-BE-MY-WIFE. Call anytime, I’ll be waiting…
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