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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Hope (05/04/06)

By Sally Hanan


Man seeking woman:

I am a 64 year old man: short, balding, pot bellied, and I hope you donít have a problem with the passing of gas.

I like watching the sportsí channel, and drinking my beer.

Iíve been married four times. The first one died of heartache, or so she said before she passed. The second one left me after six months; she said I lived like a pig and she was no sow. The third one met a Fabio look-alike and said he was the butter on her bread, whereas I was the mold. The fourth got saved by the glory, glory hallelujah band and said she now had purpose to her life - and it wasnít looking after a slob like me.

What Iím looking for now is my fifth and final love. To be my ideal mate you must cook everything from scratch, pick up after me without nagging, keep a clean house, like the sportsí channel, and drink beer.

Youíll never prod my stomach and tell me I need to go on Biggest Loser. You wonít get religion and push me out of bed on Sundays to dress up and go to church. You wonít force me to visit your family on holidays and pretend like Iím glad to be there. You wonít pine for children. You wonít ask me what I spent my paycheck on, Ďcos itís none of your darn business. Youíll never get emotional or drive me to a marriage counselor or shrink - no way, no how.

I have a preference for the 20-30 age group, so I can train you in, although any age up to 40 will do Ė Iím not picky. I like a woman over 5í4Ē, long straight hair, a beautiful smile, and Iíd like you to be well endowed, if you know what I mean.

I have much to offer: a stable relationship (I ainít going nowhere), a warm body at night, money every week for grocery shopping, a doublewide that is the envy of all the neighbors, and an old í88 Chevy out the back that I can fix up for you. You wonít be working - God made women to stay at home and keep house. You wonít need to worry about making any decisions Ė Iíll be making them all.

Iíve taken out an 800 number to handle all the calls: 1800-BE-MY-WIFE. Call anytime, Iíll be waitingÖ

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This article has been read 1393 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Anne Harrell05/11/06
This is really cute!! I fell out of the chair laughing. Neatly done!!
dub W05/11/06
Oh, do run this in a local personals column...give the readers something to smile about.
Debbie OConnor05/11/06
Very funny! :)
Debra Brand05/11/06
The qualifications leave me out! Funny take on the topic.
Jessica Schmit05/12/06
I think I would punch this guy out if I met him. LOL. This has to be written by a female. If the author was male, he would be stoned by every living female that crossed his path! I loved this so much! I agree with Dub, send it in! (who knows, you may even get a response.)
Purity Snowe05/12/06
Funny funny! Sounds like a keeper!
Lynda Schultz 05/12/06
No, the theme here is NOT Hope; it's Hope-LESS! Wonderful writing.
Maxx .05/12/06
How'd you get hold of my personal ad? Wait, I'm not 64 ... but that was close! Funny with a touch of charm ... but definately lacking in the hope department. Unless you figure that this guy has a lot of hope if he thinks the ad will actually work! ;-)
Linda Watson Owen05/12/06
HA! This guy's a real catch 'ain't' he!! So cute and entertaining! The 'ad', that is, not the guy!! Thanks for the laugh!
Melanie Kerr 05/13/06
Definitely a "hope"-less case. It makes me wonder how many women would see him as a challenge. Very entertaining writing.
Lynda Lee Schab 05/13/06
Cute & creative entry - lots of fun. I think the guy would get lots of calls but not for the reason he's hoping for. Left me with a smile.
Cassie Memmer05/15/06
He's not picky, but... LOL! Funny writing. I mean, it made me laugh! LOL! What extravagant hope this geezer has! Great read!
Dr. Sharon Schuetz05/15/06
I think I know this guy. I loved it.
Rita Garcia05/15/06
Humor at its very best. Enchanting and well written,
T. F. Chezum05/15/06
Very creative and funny. Good job.
Val Clark05/16/06
Very, very funny. I can see this guy! Hear this guy. Why is he sooooo real? Thanks for the laugh. Let us know if he gets any offers. :-)
Beth Muehlhausen05/22/06
Definitely a hopeless case. Who's this guy's mother, anyway??!? ;-D
Brandi Roberts09/25/07
LOL Ever the silly monkey, Sally! I got a good laugh out of this!
Jesus Puppy 09/25/07
;-) Good minds think alike. I was told I should have entered mine for the "Love" topic.. :D