Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Hope (05/04/06)
By Sally Hanan
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
I am a 64 year old man: short, balding, pot bellied, and I hope you donít have a problem with the passing of gas.
I like watching the sportsí channel, and drinking my beer.
Iíve been married four times. The first one died of heartache, or so she said before she passed. The second one left me after six months; she said I lived like a pig and she was no sow. The third one met a Fabio look-alike and said he was the butter on her bread, whereas I was the mold. The fourth got saved by the glory, glory hallelujah band and said she now had purpose to her life - and it wasnít looking after a slob like me.
What Iím looking for now is my fifth and final love. To be my ideal mate you must cook everything from scratch, pick up after me without nagging, keep a clean house, like the sportsí channel, and drink beer.
Youíll never prod my stomach and tell me I need to go on Biggest Loser. You wonít get religion and push me out of bed on Sundays to dress up and go to church. You wonít force me to visit your family on holidays and pretend like Iím glad to be there. You wonít pine for children. You wonít ask me what I spent my paycheck on, Ďcos itís none of your darn business. Youíll never get emotional or drive me to a marriage counselor or shrink - no way, no how.
I have a preference for the 20-30 age group, so I can train you in, although any age up to 40 will do Ė Iím not picky. I like a woman over 5í4Ē, long straight hair, a beautiful smile, and Iíd like you to be well endowed, if you know what I mean.
I have much to offer: a stable relationship (I ainít going nowhere), a warm body at night, money every week for grocery shopping, a doublewide that is the envy of all the neighbors, and an old í88 Chevy out the back that I can fix up for you. You wonít be working - God made women to stay at home and keep house. You wonít need to worry about making any decisions Ė Iíll be making them all.
Iíve taken out an 800 number to handle all the calls: 1800-BE-MY-WIFE. Call anytime, Iíll be waitingÖ
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