The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
05/04/06
Lovely. A poem for our time. Please share it other places too!
05/04/06
Poignant! Beautifully written!
05/05/06
This daddy did, as I read this poem. The anguish leaps out of this piece and grabs your heart, pulling it up into your throat. It becomes as real for the reader as it obviously is for the writer, and I think there can be no greater compliment than that. Very nice job.
Beautiful, tender, heart-wrenching poem! I love the scene where she hides her little mementos in his pack, still covered with Afghani dust. Wow! I wonder if this piece might not be even stronger if you "spoke" in the voice of a little girl. For instance, "Tears stained by grief beset me" might translate in her mind to something like, "My chest is breathing so hard and my eyes won't stop crying..."
Anyway, a wonderful piece. I pray for the freedom to express my heart in words the way you do!
05/05/06
Moving... Flowed well... Tells a story in a unique fashion. Great Job!
I agree with sherry. This is a powerful piece, but to really "hit home" with the reader, it should be written with "little kiddie" language. that said, it is still a great piece and you'll do quite well with it.
05/07/06
This is really great - very powerful. I found myelf wondering as I read it whether it was a good idea to give the little girl such spophisticated language - wouldn't be OK in a story, I think, but in a poem...? Don't know. Brilliant otherwise, some fantastic word use. Love 'Crayola prayer'
05/08/06
Absolutely beautiful.
This made me cry. I agree that the tone of the poem didn't quite match the age of the child, but I enjoyed this none-the-less.
Very sweet. Poignant. We know Daddies cry, but daughter's like the one in this entry must bring great joy.
05/08/06
I didn't really have a problem with the "grown-up" language...it was so much a poetic interpretation of the little girl's thoughts, rather than her literal thoughts. Very moving.
Hmmm... this was touching and well written, but like some of the others have mentioned, the language made it hard for me to picture her as someone who would hide a crayon prayer. It read as her being more of a young teen at least. Otherwise, it was really good.
05/08/06
I've been there. I know. Good job Purity.
Touching and well written. Very good job.
05/09/06
I loved this poem! I loved everything about it except one thing: it ended too soon. For me, it felt like it ended abruptly, like it needed one or two more verses. But other than that, it was a beautiful piece through and through, with a tender yet powerful message. Superb!
I agree that the language isn't something a small child would say. It does, however, capture the thoughts of a small child's broken heart. Beautiful job.
05/09/06
Beautifully done. I'm in tears. This should be shared with others, it captures such poignant emotions.
05/09/06
What a precious poem. I've never seen my father cry, but I'm sure he has before. They don't show us because they want to appear strong to their children and crying has always been thought of as a weakness in men in our society. I however feel that crying is therapeutic and releases those toxic feelings that could destroy our lives if we kept them inside. I loved this entry.
05/09/06
Beautiful job, felt the childs emotions as her love for her father shined through.
05/09/06
I go out of my way to find your entry each week, Purity. And it's not just your name! ;-) You have great talent. This is another example of that! Great job!
Oh, Purity...you hit straight to the heart, as you always do! Great job!! Thank you for writing this tender poem!
05/10/06
Prose that touches the heart strings...and makes it weep. Nice job.
06/08/06
I'm sitting here fighting back tears. My father is now in the National Guard and was in the Army (active duty) for 7 and 1/2 years (even now, he's a police officer). I know what this is about. I've felt this way at various ages all through growing up. Thank you so much for this.
Writting somthing like that forces you to relive it, reading it has almost the same effect. I really appreciate the simplicity of it. I had forgotten how simple life can be if you let it be.