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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Love (04/27/06)

TITLE: Lawton Raynell Schnardlicker, You Are The Man!
By Kenny Blade


“Lawton Raynell Shnardlicker, if you were any hotter, the janitor would find a pile of ashes where you currently stand!”

Never one to lack confidence, Lawton squeezed a dab of Crest onto his index finger and rubbed his remaining front tooth, then licked his finger and wet the patch of hair in the center of his forehead that connected his eyebrows. Glancing at himself in the mirror once more brought a huge smile to his face. “Hey you! Yeah you…the fine specimen of manhood in the mirror! I am talking to you! If I weren’t straight, I’d ask you out on a date!” Lawton drew imaginary pistols from their holsters and whispered with a wink, “Lawton my friend, you’re gonna be more popular tonight than a six-pack in a twelve step meeting!”

Lawton gracefully swept the toilet plunger up in his arms and danced across the men’s room floor at the Chevron. He had been bathing in the sink there since his toupee fell into his own toilet during a furious sneezing fit caused by his new cologne. He blamed it on the pollen. The blistering rash on his face and neck and the seventy nine cents a gallon price tag should have told him that the cologne was the culprit.

A truck driver with an overactive bladder burst into the restroom interrupting Lawton’s painfully loud rendition of Wild Cherry’s “Play that funky music (White Boy)”. Terrified by the encounter, the truck driver scurried back out the door choosing to wait until the next exit to seek relief. Lawton shrugged his shoulders and swept up his favorite mauve plaid jacket from the wall mount urinal where it hung. “Try and find this grade of polyester in good men’s clothing store. Just ain’t to be had anymore.” he muttered to himself. The jacket material matched his orange seersucker pants in thickness only. A small tear in the rear of his trousers was deftly camouflaged by the faded red boxers he wore underneath.

Lawton stopped just outside the restroom door oblivious to the station owner who leaned out of his office shouting expletives at him. He could hear nothing over the Bee Gees soundtrack that played in his head. He smiled and looked heavenward pausing only briefly to duck the crescent wrench that had been thrown at his head by the angry owner.

After a few moments of soaking in the warmth of the sun, he snapped his fingers and gave a thumbs up sign. “If it weren’t for me brother sunshine, you’d be the sizzlinest thing out here today!”

Pulling a worn felt beret from his jacket pocket and perching it atop his head, Lawton clicked the heels of his high top Converse together and entered the flow of human traffic that scampered its way toward the downtown district. “It’s a beautiful day!” he said to no one in particular as he passed the Laundromat. Lawton always picked up his pace at this point in the journey in order to induce perspiration. Like any other man-gift that roamed the city, he had no use for static cling. He usually sprayed his chest and back with PAM to reduce the effects, but it had recently caused all of his body hair to fall out and the margarine scent was strangely off-putting to some. Sweat seemed to eliminate the static and it was also handy to swab his arm pits with his palms and use the glandular excretions to keep his hair is place. The wet look was all the rage, and he was after all, a cutting edge fashion hound.

Lawton slowed his pace as he reached his destination. Leaning into the phone booth in front of the establishment, he checked his appearance once more in the chrome trim surrounding the advertisement placard above the phone.

He straightened his beret and read the sign overhead aloud: N.A. Meeting – Tonight 6:00pm. “Right on time!” He exclaimed. Cutting in front of an elderly man who had approached the doorway while Lawton slicked his hair once more, he took his place in the front row chairs. The meeting came to order and Lawton leapt to his feet assuming he should be the first to speak.

“Hello. My name is Lawton Raynell Schnardlicker and I am a narcissist…”

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This article has been read 894 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Donnah Cole05/04/06
Oh the love of self -- it leaves very little room to express love to anyone else or to God. Hey, at least Lawton is headed in the right direction...he's admitted there's a problem! Great writing, very funny, great descriptions! Thoroughly enjoyed!
Jessica Schmit05/05/06
WOW! one of my favorites of yours! (I don't know what you were talking about) This is right on topic. Shocking. I absolutely loved this. Amazing, brillant, incredibly well written. Well crafted. A+ (Do I sense a win. Will the judges aprove this? hmmm...time will tell) Great job!
Jessica Schmit05/05/06
P.S. I see those guys every day and now I will never be able to look at them the same. "Play that funky music" was pure genius
Sherry Wendling05/06/06
A creatively slick angle on love, to be sure! Excellent writing. I tend to look for a main character to draw my sympathy; however, there's no denying your extraordinary talent for drama and description! Narcissist or abuse victim, we all have the same basic challenge with self-worship, yes?
Jan Kamp05/07/06
Pure creative genius! I laughed all the way through it (except while fighting down a wave of nausea over the Pam & sweaty-palm hair-slick thing :o)
Helen Paynter05/07/06
Very very funny - and a really creative take on the topic.
Jan Ackerson 05/08/06
Utterly hilarious, and a totally unique approach to the topic. Wonderful!
Garnet Miller 05/09/06
How funny and gross! This guy needs to be dipped into a bubble bath and his clothes sent to the incinerator! I'd hate to have to clean the ring out of that bathtub! This is a humorous story that kept me reading right to the very end.
Dr. Sharon Schuetz05/09/06
Absolutely wonderful. Who woulda thunk? I loved it.
Rita Garcia05/10/06
Love it! Creative and well written. Wonderful entry.
Pat Guy 05/10/06
Gross, out-of-the-box and funny! Why did John Travolta come to mind when he was walking down the street? :) Great voice Kenny,Hmmmm.... I wonder why! ;) Fantastic, but still gross.
Sandra Petersen 05/10/06
What a hilarious character study! I don't THINK I know anyone like Lawton. Great definition of narcissism! Had to explain it to my daughters, though. BTW, they loved it, too.
Jessica Schmit05/11/06
What can I say, it was the best entry last week. Darn those Masters for hogging all the EC spots! LOL. Waiting for the book.

Suzanne R05/11/06
Yuck! Yet fabulous! Well done! And congratulations on the win - fantastic writing.
Debbie Sickler05/11/06
Congratulations Ken. This was hilarious and so well written. I loved the Funky Music reference too. Great job!
Edy T Johnson 05/11/06
What an hysterically funny character you've created! You'd better write a book so this can be made into a movie (he could give "What About Bob?" a run for top honors). Your title didn't grab me, or I might have read this before you won first place---by the way: CONGRATULATIONS! This deserves top honors and wide dissemination! (I'm still shaking my head at the CRAZY ideas you put into this guy's behavior.)
Anita Neuman05/11/06
Your win was certainly well-deserved. This is HILARIOUS! The only problem is that now "Funky Music" is stuck in my head. Thanks a lot.