The Official Writing Challenge
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04/27/06
Wonderful example of inner strength!

“No, but I started singing in grade school and have been in choirs and ensembles ever since.”

“What about you? Have you always been into sports?”
Those 2 quotes should be in the same paragraph, since it's the same person speaking.

Other than that, this flowed and was very easy to read. the awkwardness of a teenage first date was really well-written!
Well written and easy to relate to. Great to hear another voice for purity and righteousness that glorify's the Lord!
04/28/06
You communicated his awkwardness really well. Although the dialogue was good, I find that long stretches of dialogue without the tags, "He said" or "she said" lose me as to who is talking. Not sure that I understood the end.
04/28/06
The beginning was realistic...picture taking, etc; but the ending (to me) was not. Even in my day and age, (which was eons ago) the farewell conversation at the door would have seemed fictional. The writing was very well done, however, and it did keep my interest throughout.
04/28/06
This piece addresses a much needed, often neglected ministry. I would like to know more about WHY he refused her advances. What is it about being a Christian? How can being a Christian help the girl? Also, how many teens know what a "proxy" is? I'm afraid that I don't know either. :) I do LOVE the heart of this piece. I hope you polish it and get it out there.
04/28/06
Excellent points, great ministry message. SInce you're n the dreaded Masters level, I'll pick at a few things more deeply. The opening paragraph was a 100% "tell". There was no real setting of the scene, no senses used. I wasn't able to experience what the young man was experiencing. On the other hand, you used dialogue very well and moved the story right along. Since the main point is the young man's distaste for sensuality, you might have taken us deeper inside his head as he wrestled with the feelings. Would have let us experience his emotions. Overall, nicely done! Congrats on tackling a tough subject with class!
04/29/06
This is nice. Just needs more pretty words .. you know, deep scene building. Great story!
04/29/06
This would be a good story to teach kids about resisting temptation etc - you've provided a positive role model there.

The concept of 'The Proxy' was clever too.

I have a sneaking suspicion of who wrote this ... somebody who is great at writing for teens!

Good job.
05/01/06
I didn't have any problem with the dialog or the characterizations, but I wasn't clear on the "it was a setup" line. But I'd definitely like to have teens read and discuss this, preferably at prom season. It has gotten totally out of control here: the expectation is that that's when couples will "hook up." Many even book hotel rooms. This is a great story, very strong.
This is a great story for teenagers. They are smarter than most of us give them credit. They will understand what a proxy is.
I just asked a sixteen-year-old honour student and a fourteen-year-old bookworm if they knew what a proxy was--they didn't. But don't let that alarm you. They raced to a dictionary and found out what it meant. Teens are inquisitive. If they don't know, they'll ask. I don't think you should change the title. I think It's very clever. Teens won't be confused. I have a bunch, and I also teach the teen Sunday School class at church. This topic is MAJOR with them right now. They NEED to hear it...especially the ones that don't know what a proxy is. Give them something to think about...don't spoon feed them. Great job!
05/01/06
Wonderful entry. You did a great job portraying a strong young man solid in his faith. Keep the title - it fits perfectly.
05/01/06
Enjoyed this story of a first date, realistic. well done!
05/02/06
I like the concept of this alot. I'm not sure that I felt the dialog was believable. I don't hear kids talking about real things. It tends to be more about what so and so did or making fun of teachers etc.I really like the ending when he was honest with her but also affirmed that she was beautiful. That would have won many brownie points with any young lady and possibly given room to discuss more important things.
05/03/06
As one with a lot of time working with teenagers, I thought this story was very realistic in setting and dialogue.