She trusted You.
She was tired. She was scared. She was tired of being scared and scared that she was always tired.
She tried to tell her doctor. He wouldn’t listen. She tried to keep it from us. We should have heard.
She has always been filled with it. She instilled it in each of us. Not the pride that precedes downfall. The pride that finds you face down in a shallow pool of despair and gives you the strength to raise your head and gasp for air. The pride that refuses to look down at bloody knees. The pride that compels you instead to reach upward to touch the tips of His blood stained feet.
Her tears cried out to You.
Funny. She lives with her death sentence in anonymity. Only a small circle of family and friends know she suffers. No headlines. No fanfare. Just cancer of the brain and liver blamed on lungs which are cancer free.
Today she saw the story of Dana Reeve’s untimely passing. Great woman. Lived and died with grace. Anonymity escaped her. Thank God. She passed from lung cancer and never smoked. Someone will listen now. You have tried to teach us it isn’t about condemning the sin. It’s about saving the sinner. It’s about compassion trumping judgment. Change replacing the status quo. Hope over Hopelessness.
You said “Ask and You Shall Receive”
She did ask. Repeatedly. She believes You are who You claim to be. She has stopped asking. She believes You will do what You said you’d do. She doesn’t understand. When she isn’t tired or afraid, she is angry.
Not at You. She wishes she could be. She longs for the strength to shake her fist and scream “WHY?” . She can’t. The cancer continues to grow. The bitterness has long since died .
“Ask what you will…” . It reads like a guarantee. It is preached as a certainty. In gambling it’s called a “lock“. A “can’t miss” assurance. I am angry. I don’t want to talk to You. In the absence of a disease I would gladly suffer in her place, my bitterness grows. There are no “locks”. No guarantees. No assurances.
Her life has seemed so unfair. She has known little in the way of material things. She deserved better.
“It’s going to be alright”, I tell her. “No it won’t”, she says. “ But it will be God’s decision and that will be enough.” Lacking strength to raise her eyes toward Heaven, she bows her head and closes them.
You haven’t failed her. Your presence in the storm is the only guarantee You offered this side of home.
All she ever wanted were children that knew your Child. Receiving Your gift to us was our gift to her.
She’ll close her eyes soon and dream of a place she can finally call home.
No longer weary.
No longer afraid.
Free from uncertainty
Free from pain
Free to be with You.
She trusts you.
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