The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/22/06
Wow, I'm blown away by this brave, passionate, powerful piece of writing. Amazing work!
02/23/06
It felt like an old black and white movie, but full of color (but not colorized!) wow!
02/23/06
Yes! This is very evocative of a bygone era, and you did a great job of capturing loneliness and emptiness. Your title was absolutely perfect. I wish you'd sustained the rhythm of two-or-three syllables only at the end of each stanza, as that seemed to add to the "sway" of this piece. That's a very minor thing: this is masterful poetry.
02/23/06
Very nicely done! I like the nostalgic tug it lends to the reader. :)
I agree that this was technically well written. I personally, however, did not feel that it had a Christian world veiw and felt that it was a bit too sensual.
02/23/06
Interesting. I like the feel of the piece. I could see her knocking on the door at the end.

02/23/06
I liked the feel of this piece - deep, nostalgic, moody. I love how you described playing the sax (that's what I was assuming it was). I was wondering, too, where this fits with a Christian world view. But other than that, it was masterfully written.
02/23/06
I love the line:-

"And they sweep up your hopes
With the dust"

You created a mood with your words and rythmn that was quite bluesy. I could hear the saxophone!
02/23/06
For those of you struggling with the "Christian World View" -- It's metaphorical; think Woman At The Well. Remember it doesn't have to be overt or the main thrust of the piece. If you want further understanding, PM me. --David Ian
Wonderful imagery in this evocative poem, David! I love the word plays you used 'no strings' 'bars' etc. weaving the images of music in and around the dark images of loneliness and yearning. So skillfully written!
WOW! What an amazing poem. You did a great job with the images. You played with the words. You succeeded in creating the feel, the language and the atmosphere of such movies as Casablanca. There is only one minor thing. There is a line that ends a stanza:
"So he knows all your
Wants and your needs"
This line would do better if you removed the second 'your'. This one word throws off the balance of your rhythm and tripped me up as a reader.

BTW - the sensuality in the poem really worked for me. It harkens to Song of Soloman in my heart.
Yeah Baby! (Finger snaps) Cry me a river.

Welcome back, David.
02/24/06
Wow! You got me almost blushing toward the middle! Three of the stanzas connected with me:
"Your dress is scarlet
The color of passion
But your eyes are singing
The blues....

And here I sit
With my alto baby
Playing softly through
Her reeded lips

Aní moviní my fingers
Down her gentle curves
Aní making her moan
In the dark."
You captured the mood of the smoky bar scene of yesteryear very well!

02/24/06
most excellent ... you painted a great mood and stayed with it all the way trough. very strong!
02/25/06
Back to the challenge with a bang, I see! Awesome work as always, David. Creative, powerful, bold... kept me hanging on every word. Superb!
Wow ... Incredible! Very powerful.
03/02/06
This definately transported me back in time and I could "hear" the blues the whole way through! Your word smithing did the trick intended!