The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/13/06
You have done a good job here. The only comment I would have is that we need more. I know 750 words is very limiting at times! Perhaps you could have left out something in order to fill us in more on the last line. It's very jarring and out of place, considering everything else in the story.
I think you could expand this into something bigger, if you wanted to.
02/14/06
You kept my attention all the way through, but I, too, found myself wanting more information. Your description of that day is vivid and captivating. I think you could just rework how you sum it up. Keep at it!
02/16/06
You have some wonderful details here--running your tongue along your teeth, your mother's nubby coat. Watch out for "my brother and me..." And I think the ending falters just a little...but your writing was very vivid and engaging; I could visualize every detail of the argument and the accident, and your POV was spot on.
02/16/06
What a heart breaking account.
Wonderful detail on the accident. My heart went out to the child. The end seemed a little rushed, but 750 words can do that to you. I hope you will consider writing this story without the word limitation. It would be a good article for a parenting magazine. Thanks for posting.
02/16/06
You captured my emotions all the way through. And just a line or two is all you need to expand on why they needed each other so much. Good writing!
02/16/06
Very descriptive, but I agree that the ending seems too abrupt. Overall, good visual article.
02/16/06
The resolution is hidden in that last paragraph, but it seems like the accident didn't contribute to it. I agree with the others - we need more information to go with beautiful, but mysterious, statement: "Years later, I realized at my father's deathbed that he and my mother would never have separated. They needed each other."

Good job.
Oh, yes, beautiful descriptive technique in your writing! I felt like I was right there!
Well, everyone else has already pretty much summed up what I felt reading this. Good topic, interesting details, just expand the end a bit.
02/16/06
Wow ... quite a story. You definately have a writing talent. Work on your pacing a bit so that the story develops and concludes evenly. THis could really be something!
02/17/06
I agree that the story was interesting and well-told. As for the ending, yes, the last sentence seemed to come out of nowhere and threw me a little. Maybe just a brief paragraph earlier explaining they're need for each other and then tying it in at the end. Overall, a heartwrenching piece - I hope it's not true but the POV is real and believable. Well done!