The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 599 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
02/17/06
A few suggestions: Be careful with your tenses--you swtich from present to past quite a bit, which is disorienting to your reader. And your male characters have very similar names, which may confuse.

You came up with an interesting story idea, it just needs to be developed and polished. Some real potential here!