The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
02/14/06
Well that was certainly a creative take on the topic! The whole situation doesn't seem very realistic to me, although maybe I'm a little too naive. There's some really great wording in there: "I could smell the overpowering scent of his cologne as it jumped off his suit and slapped me in the face." and "My lungs were tight, contracting several times a second but never getting air." to mention a couple.

02/16/06
Very intriguing story! It felt like I was reading a mafia crime novel!! Maybe you could expand on this and write a novel...?
02/16/06
Written with good description and flow. A little more help on the setting would be good and exactly what Tommy's position/role is. And why he continues to work for this monster (fear?). This feels like a piece of something bigger.