Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Control (01/30/06)
TITLE: If Only Doublestuff Oreos Were Responsive to Mental Stimuli
By Benjamin Stephens
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This is the most stupid show I have ever seen. The last thing I want is to watch an infomercial designed to sell me products I don’t need at a price I can’t afford that do things it never occurred to me that they should do.
For Pete sake why won’t the TV change channels or shut off, this is ridiculous.
“Change the channel,” I will the television to do my bidding, but the Chinese knife wielding lawn mower is beckoning me to make the call that will bring it to my door - shipping included. Just four easy payments that equal the cost of my first home.
I roll my eyes at the shameless carnival-like atmosphere. The mower is used to cut a lawn beautifully, then with a quick adjustment is used to deli slice some cheese. Who in the world wants a mower that slices cheese? I know it’s organic, but I really don’t want grassy cheese. If you have a pet, there’s stuff on the lawn that doesn’t really go well with cheese. One more adjustment and I could get a pedicure.
Oh, there goes the phone. I wonder who that could be? Yada yada yada, now you say something. The answering machine caught it. Why couldn’t they just come and see me - or maybe just leave me alone?
The only thing that seems to move is my eyes; everything else is just a nuisance.
I’d really like a snack, a bag of chips or possibly a pack of Doublestuff Oreos and a glass of milk, now that would really be nice, but the refrigerator is so far away.
I notice the remote on the end table beside me and realize there has got to be a better infomercial waiting just a click away, but I’d have to reach out my hand and grasp the remote and I’m just not ready for that kind of commitment.
My mind wanders to places vaguely remembered. It would sure be nice to visit again. If only my recliner could be used to navigate the places in my mind. If only I could think of a place and go there. If only I could change the channel by thinking of it. If only Doublestuff Oreos were responsive to mental stimuli.
Oh, great. A new infomercial about an exercise device designed to assist me to better health and longer life. Wonderful! Just what I need, a little more guilt. Let’s see, a proper diet and enough exercise to work up a sweat and I can add years to my life. Do they have any idea what they are saying? I can’t do those things and sit in my chair. I can’t change the channel and remain unmovable. I can’t answer the phone without getting up; I can’t mow the lawn without increasing my heart rate. These infomercials can be so cruel.
Why does everything have to be so difficult? Why does it seem that I have to do something before the things that I want can actually take place? Why?
So I watch a TV that plays shows I don’t want to watch and I miss calls I don’t want to answer. My lawn grows while I contemplate a rather unusual deli. My girth enlarges from lack of use while my chair groans under the pressure.
In order for change to take place I would have to take control. In order to take control there would have to be a decisive reaction that results in facilitating change. I would be forced to do something that can only happen through proper motivation and correct response.
I am ready to take control. As difficult as it may be, I will get out of my chair and return a few phone calls, I will make myself a meal, and I will use the restroom.
Hold it! A Three Stooges marathon? Control crisis averted.
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