The Official Writing Challenge
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This is an excellent story, well crafted. My only hesitation would be that it might not be strong on the topic. But it's intriging and a 'hooker.' Kept me to the end. And what a promise! Great writing!
You need to turn this into a longer story after the challenge is judged, as there is too much info squished in at the end to do it justice.
I agree with Sally--Great story, but the ending is smooshed. :-) I was intrigued by the characters. Good job!
This was well written. I think your detail was vivid and held my interest throughout. I would have enjoyed more!