The Official Writing Challenge
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01/23/06
I enjoyed this from ' a knock at the door' but the intro ws too scattered for me to understand where she was coming from. One thing I've learned here is that you can never assume that readers know what you're talking about, you have to spell out everything.
I think I figured out most of what happened in the first part and the last part was great!! Wonderful story!
01/26/06
Perhaps I'm missing something here; I can't seem to put the puzzle together...scent, start, early years; however, the story does have its touching moments - I just can't seem to grasp the meaning. Thank you for sharing your obvious talent with us.
01/26/06
Thought and feelings were evoked by this entry. I was a bit confused by the statements: She had no warning that something like this would happen. I had to reread some parts a few times to get a handle on her history. But I think it was a heart-wrenching story. I kept thinking, someone needs to help her to deal with her past so she can live in her present. Without a word limit you might fill in some gaps and make it even more beautiful!

01/26/06
What a journey -don't drop the first part. Without the dark, the light doesn't shine!
01/26/06
I think this is an awesome piece of writing, Pat. Very powerful, one of my favorites of yours.
01/26/06
I think that without the beginning, the rest wouldn't have as much meaning. Your beautifully written words painted pictures and I could "feel" the new hope springing up at the end. Very touching.
01/26/06
Since we know I wrote this - I have a suggestion for anyone else who reads this. How about if the opening sentence is expanded just a little to set up the scene in the hospital? (I think so)

I like this one and would like to fix it. Thanks!
01/27/06
Pat, at first I thought she had an abortion. I do see a girl hurt by immorality - the party, the relative? I think we need a little bit more information in the intro, but keep it intriguing. The rest of the story is FANTASTIC. I hope you do perfect this piece.
01/27/06
I'd leave in the beginning but make the second flash back a little less obscure. Is there some way you can do it without using the words 'flashback'? It's a powerful piece and I think that you have captured the characters confusion and fear really well. Yeggy
01/27/06
PS Good on you for trying something different.
Ok, I'm gonna go against the flow. I say leave it. Don't change anything except perhaps to omit the words 'flashback' and perhaps use italics instead. I thought it was great, had no problems 'getting it' and just loved the phrase "the fragrance of new purity". To me this seemed to be what the whole piece pivoted on. Great writing. No, exceptional writing. Well done.
This was interesting to read, but the sketchy details and flash backs left me a little confused in the beginning. I agree that this would be better if you used italics instead of the words flash back. It would be less distracting and keep the reader in the moment more.

I liked the way you portrayed the fear of a new mother, heightened by her troubled past. She was easy to relate to and feel for. And I loved the name Jenny Rose. It's pretty and great story behind it.

Let us know when you post the revised version! I'd love to read it.
01/28/06
I wondered about the beginning of this story. Was Leah a prostitute, or just a teenager who had fooled around once too often? I think the former because of the reference to the 'high price' they had to pay for her.
In the second paragraph you meant 'niche', not 'nitch'.
I liked how you got Leah around to identifying with her newborn daughter and giving her a meaningful name. Oh, that more in the church would reach out to the hurting ones before they become hardened and suspicious! Thank you, Pat!
The flash backs didn't throw me personally. I could however see where you 'could' aproach the flash backs differently. That said *Big smile* I loved it. A young girl raped, going down a dank road after, becoming a hooker later, finding herself with an unwanted pregnancy, despair, THEN it happened all at once. She was a mommy. This is HER baby. And all those instincts kicked in for her all at once, overwhelming her. Personally I would like to see this story expanded. More details. Something you obviously could not get squeezed into a challenge entry lol.
01/28/06
Hmm, the story started at "There was a knock at the door" Everything before gets lost and doesn't help. The reader picks up at the door and runs with it from there. The info up top is important, so work it into the body of the text. Don't seperate it out. Your writing is great, as usual... so use those skills to build those flashbacks in later.

Great trying something different!
Pat, this is wonderful. I didn't have any trouble understanding it. Your weaving of the emotional dimensions in your MC is stellar!
01/31/06
The scent ... of something new ... new life ... Jenny
Rose ... beautiful! Just beautiful.