The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 82 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
I enjoyed this story so much! Nice work.
You have a great idea for a story here. It could be a script for a TV show. It kept me entertained and I smiled throughout.

Be aware of your sentence structures. I bet if you go back and count how many sentences start with a name or pronoun, you'll be shocked. You also have some POV shifts. By fixing those, you could make your story more active, do more showing and less telling. For example, I might edit something like this: Watching him sit at his laptop, she wondered if he was deep in thought. <i>Perhaps he's dreaming about his ministry. I'm pretty sure he loves being a pastor because his face practically glows every time he steps behind the pulpit. Excitement shines in his eyes when he reads the Word and then translates it so everyone else understands it. I've heard him prayer for everyone in the congregation. I am surely blessed to be a part of this gentle man's missions and rejoice in doing everything I can to help. </i>

Those are just some quick examples to show you what I mean. Originally, every sentence in that paragraph began with a name or pronoun, but by tweaking it, I lowered it to only three, which is a decent balance. By adding thought, I fix the POV shift and add some body language.

You're doing great with the dialog. It feels natural for the most part. Remember if it's a tagline at the end of a quote, there should be a comma and a capital letter: “I made some great progress this morning,” he said. (Unless the quote ends in a question mark or exclamation point, you don't use a comma, but still use lowercase on the tagline after the quote.
If it's a narrative phrase then no comma: Larry looked up. “What are you thinking about?”

I think you did a fine job of writing on topic, developing the characters, and delivering a wonderful message. In today's world it's especially important to care for others and listen to God. Great job.