The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/10/06
this story is a well- written indictment of a wounded country, and also a beautiful tale of forgiveness.

I wonder if you might re-work the first paragraph. At first I thought it was reality, then I thought it was a dream, then I thought it was a memory. I had to re-read it a few times before I got it.

You did a great job of exposing a lot of what's wrong with us, without getting on a soapbox. And your portrayal of your main character is very realistic: forgiving, yet still struggling. Well done.
01/10/06
Your story reminded me of things I've always believed, but others said I was crazy for. In fact, it helped refocus me, keeping me from slipping onto the path of vengeance and anger that I had come dangerously close to. Thank you!
01/14/06
This si well written. Thank yoou for sharing it. The only thing I'd say I struggled with is the white space... or lack of it. When I look at the piece it looks heavy and that impacts how I read / enjoy it. I'd recommend breaking up your standard block paragraphs with some on liners and dialogue. It gives the story a nicer feel.

Overall, very strong entry!
Great final paragraph...it pulled together the essence of your story nicely.

This hit home as I used to carry a deposit bag of cash when I was a business owner. I sometimes (late at night) wondered if I might be such a target.