The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
01/10/06
There was much to like about this piece. Your opening almost-parallel paragraphs beautifully set the tone for the differences between the sisters. And I like the fact that thought Chariss is a new believer, she's still struggling with negative emotions.

The dialog was a little confusing in points, and might be cleared up with some descriptive phrases here and there. I realize that there was a word limit, and also that you were being delicate with an unpleasant topic. All in all, I think you handled this skillfully and realistically. Just some things to consider if you ever expand it...

Love your ending...if only.
01/12/06
Hmmm. I only read this once. I'm sure if I read it again, I'd figure it out, but upon one reading, it left me pretty confused. Maybe give the reader some more clues about what is happening. Good stuff in there too- keep writing.
01/12/06
A story that lingers in your mind - that's the mark of a great story! Well Done.

I Agree that the dialogue is confusing but it is real. Reading it, I felt "I think I know what's going on".

You spend a lot of words on the lead-in to the "real story" which could be used to provide more detail during the dialogue. I would create the tension of the dialogue right off the bat and go from there.

This story is worth expanding into a larger piece.



Wonderful characterization! A story with a 'real' feel to it too. I as a reader was with you all the way. Yes, great ending.
01/12/06
Well done. Written with care and skill. Clear to those it will reach.
I read this earlier and found the dialog confusing, but now that the house is quiet and I read slowly, I really liked it. The lack of tags added to the fast paced 'real time' feel of the conversation. And I agree that you could have left off the beginning about the showers and just started in front of the apartment.
I agree with what the others said, it was just a little confusing, but added to the realness of it. Great story!
01/13/06
Wonderfully real. I could picture this as a drama being acted out. I agree that the opening should be eliminated and maybe add more descriptions behind the dialogue. But the scenario was true-to-life, the feelings and emotions came through loud and clear. I also loved the ending, "If only..." Well done!
Blessings, Lynda
01/13/06
Yes, I agree with that ending of hope. Great dialogue. Pretty names too. Well done with the way you handled such a sensitive topic.
01/14/06
Y'know, I think the showers are important. They give the reader the nuance that for some reason both women usually feel unclean after a shower. For some reason, on this particular morning, one doesn't. This sets up questions for the reader and opens up an earlier understand of the dialogue. Delicate subject handled well. Yeggy
01/14/06
After reading it twice, I agree with Yeggy - the intro sets the stage well for the sisters. I think there's a bit of room for tightening the dialogue (not much room, mind you, because it's very realistically written) so that you could add a few beats here and there. That would make it smoother and clarify the POV once in a while. Great job overall!
01/14/06
"Stared" at the floor. I think that "starred" got me off the track at first. However, I find this "unpleasant" subject prevalent throughout the Challenge this week...and it's so sad and I never realized it was that wide spread. Thank you for sharing.
01/14/06
The broken dialogue and half sentences make the story read very fast paced and rushed... like an emergency is unfolding before us. I think it works as they realized the terror they each had to endure. Great message at the end. Loved it!
01/15/06
Your characters are honest and realistic. Great job on handling a delicate subject. I can see this piece touching hearts.