The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
01/10/06
This was very exciting, and I wasn't familiar with the story! Thanks for sharing it!

There are a few places where you might consider tightening it up: "A fear so palpable that it could be felt..." could be "A palpable fear..." for example.

With a few streamlines, I think the sotry will be even more pulse-pounding! Well done.
01/12/06
Having lived in South Africa during the strife filled days of apartheid, when terrorist were attacking daily - I know what it feels like to experience the kind of fear you wrote about. You totally captured it! Beautiful job. I'd like to read more!
This was a very exciting story! Please let us know when you're done with the longer version!
01/12/06
And God provided the kind people and the space in the seats! Amazing and well told! An exciting read!
01/12/06
A wonderful testimony of God's protection and 'way of escape.' Very nice.
Oh, my! What a remarkable story and so remarkably told! Wonderful job!!
Well done! Suggestions for the longer version: I think you could cut the opening scene with the newpaper altogether and start the story with the fear at the train station. You'd just have to add in a little information to explain what was happening. I'd also like to "live" even a little more what the couple was going through as they hid in the box, smooshed so tightly they could barely breath... Maybe stay in the box with them, describing what they heard instead of shifting the POV to the outside. Great story! Would love to read the rest.
01/13/06
What a great story ... thanks for sharing it. I liked the touch about the clatter of tea cups ... it sounded so Indian, even though I realized already that one, if not both, was foreign. Well done.
01/13/06
Even though you did a great job with the word count, this deserves to be longer in order to say everything you need to say. Stick with it and get it published!
01/14/06
Hi, Karen! When I read your hint, I was afraid that this would be a story about you and your family. Phew!

You did a FABULOUS job of describing the train scene. I like Amy's suggestion about staying with the couple inside the seat while they listen to what's going on.

I'd be happy to help with a more detailed critique as you expand this. Email me anytime, dear friend!
01/14/06
What an exciting read. A story well worth expanding! Do go for the five senses when you expand it. Work at keeping the sentences short when you want to hone the tension. (When you know who is speaking you don’t need to say : ” he told her.”)
Must have been - terrifying - and yet this is so touching: "“Don’t speak Elsa! Jesus is with us. Keep very still.” Nicely told piece of history!
01/17/06
Heart stopping, Karen.

You're back in form. :)

Congrats.
Well done. You've captured the fear and tension so well. I agree with Amy re the opening scene though. Perhaps you could use a newspaper headline/article at the station to set the scene and convey the info the reader needs. Overall, a very good piece. Congrats, Karen.