The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/17/16
It is always important to follow the Holy Spirits prompting. Another God-instance in the life of a believer.
I really enjoyed this story. You did a great job of developing both characters, but particularly the MC. The beginning was a bit more telling than showing. If you add thoughts and body language, you could create an even more vivid picture for the reader. For example, I might edit something like this:
What if someone from his family showed up and got mad at me?I chewed on the inside of my cheek. What if he got angry or upset and had a stroke or something? After all, who knows what that old man can tolerate? I sat there drumming my fingers on the steering wheel. Finally, I took a deep breath and opened the car door as my heart hammered inside my chest.
Those are just quick examples to show what I mean. I also noticed you sometimes used a comma before and and or when they weren't joining two independent clauses.
Overall, you did a great job with this. Your entire story was on topic and had a great message that most can relate to. I liked the inner conflict and it held my interest from beginning to end.
Congratulations on ranking 4th in your level and 24 overall. Happy Dance!
I should have proofed my own comments 😱 The thoughts would be in present tense: What if his family shows up and gets mad at me? The narrative would still be past tense, but the thoughts, like dialog should've been in present. Sorry about that. I hope I didn't confuse you,