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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Escape (01/02/06)

TITLE: Incarceration
By Karri Compton
01/04/06


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“Um, hi, Jackie? It’s me, Renee.”

“Oh, what’s up, girl? Been wondering where you were.”

“Well, you know, the usual. Lying around scratching the days off one by one. Locked up with no place to go, bored out of my blasted wits, with no sign of freedom in sight. This is my one phone call for the day.”

“Okay, Miss 17-year-old drama queen. It can’t be that bad.”

“It’s awful, Jackie! You wouldn’t know how awful ‘cuz you’re so good all the time. I’m going to miss several soccer games, my dates with Leon, Valentine’s Day, and who knows what else.”

“Sheesh, Renee, what did you do this time?”

“Forget you even asked. Oh, God, I’m miserable. I’ve just got to get out of here.”

“Uh, speaking of God…have you talked to Him lately? You don’t even have to use a phone call.”

“Duh, like I don’t know that. We haven’t been on speaking terms. Don’t fuss at me, I feel guilty enough already. He can’t even get me out of here anyway.”

“Maybe not, but He might help you prevent this from happening again and make you feel better while you’re still cooped up.”

“Geez, Jackie, I can always count on you to play my shrink.”

“I know you’re in a foul mood and all, but you don’t have to treat me like that.”

“Sorry, you know how I get when I’m grounded. It feels like real prison. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

“That’s okay. We’ve been friends since kindergarten, and I’m not going to give that up now that you’re in solitary confinement.”

“Ha! You think you’re so funny. You’re right, though. About the God thing. It always seems easy for you. Like it’s no big deal to do the right thing. With me it’s so hard. I fight myself and everyone else, too. It’s like I was born evil and you were born good.”

“Renee, you know that’s just not true. We all have different things we struggle with. I have to work just as hard as you do to stay out of trouble. Remember Paul in the Bible? He said he fought within himself to do the things he should, and he was one of the biggest saints ever.”

“Heh, at least I’m in good company.”

“No doubt. Just think about the consequences before you go out and do whatever you want with no regard for your parents’ rules. Agreed?”

“Agreed.”

“So, why did you use your one phone call of the day to call me and not Leon?”

“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing now. I wanted to see if you’d drive over to rescue me and I would escape out my window and hang out with you for a while.”

“Renee, haven’t you heard a word I’ve been saying?”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry, I changed my mind. I’m gonna go and…pray. Yeah, that’s it. I’ll pray instead.”

“You do that, Jackie. Call me again tomorrow, okay? We’ll figure out a legal way to eliminate the boredom.”

“Okay. And thanks.”

**

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing…What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God – through Jesus Christ our Lord! – Romans 7: 18-19, 24-25a (NIV)


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Member Comments
Member Date
Jan Ackerson 01/11/06
I liked this a lot--working with teens makes me keenly aware that teen Christians like your protagonist are a precious rarity.

I wonder if you'd consider adding some descriptive passages to your dialog. They break it up a little, and add another kind of detail and interest to the story.

Good job--the conversation rang true, which is hard to do!
Sharon Singley01/13/06
nice story. I enjoyed the dialogue. It felt like it was missing something, but I can't put my finger on it...but all in all I thought it was well written.
Shannon Redmon01/13/06
Good conversation but needs some description to break it up! I am glad she decided to pray instead of escape!
Alexandra Wilkin01/13/06
Telling a story through dialogue alone is not easy, but you managed it very well with very realistic dialogue. The 'knowing each other since kindergarten' part of the conversation did not flow quite so well, and I would like to have known what Renee had done to get grounded to give it a little colour - or perhaps because I'm nosey! - but otherwise I liked this. God bless.
Beth Muehlhausen01/14/06
Good conversation/dialog. Maybe consider letting us in on the event that led to the "imprisonment" and/or the remorse/repentance going on?? Enjoyed the character development.
Shari Armstrong 01/14/06
I could almost see this done as a skit. I could hear the conversation.