The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
12/06/05
I love the possibilities that this piece represents, however there are a few details that are a little unrealistic (perhaps the officer could've driven them down to the church and they could continue their conversation on the way, instead of just standing there in the cold that whole time). One thing I really like is that the officer got saved and immediately put his faith into actions. What a great example for us to follow!
12/07/05
I liked the dialogue all the way up to the entrance of the police officer. His testimony needed to be somehow more subtle, not coming at us like a ton of bricks. I agree that some of his testimony could have been given while they were on their way to the church. Also, read your characters' dialogue. Barbara and Billy used contractions like "can't" and "it's" in the opening, which is a more natural speech pattern, then "what is" and "you would" later. Keep their speech natural all the way through.
I also wonder if they would immediately be won to the Lord right there on the spot. Given their state of being (addictions, unemployment, being cold) they would be more likely to listen once those needs were addressed with action. That's the whole principle behind places like Union Gospel Mission and Pacific Garden Mission.
This is a good message, but needs to be more subtle, in my humble opinion.
I know the Policeman in this story. Much more did take place on the scene and on the way to the church, but 750 words limited what could be told. Like so many submissions, the original testimony would take hundreds of words to be told. It is a beautiful testimony.
12/07/05
Very nice story, realistic dialog. I'd like some exposition in the beginning in addition to the dialog, to orient the reader as to time and place, and who these characters are. And people rarely speak in unison as yours did at the end.

All the same, I really loved your policeman character, and would like to read much more about him.
Touching. This is the way witness should happen....in the trenches of life.