COMMENTATOR: (to audience) Spring-cleaning is in the works, ladies and gentlemen; can you feel it? (faces TV camera) Viewers, allow me to introduce you to my studio audience – a few hundred excited people, here to see the value of what our new products can do for them and you, the viewer at home.
(faces audience) Are you ready?
COMMENTATOR: What you see here, ladies and gentlemen, is Wordwasheze! (holds up Bible) This Wordwasheze has many valuable ingredients you are all familiar with, but may have not used for a while.
COMMENTATOR: (pretends to read) As the words fill up your brain and you choose to replace the old words with the new ones, a veritable spring-cleaning of the mind will occur.
AUDIENCE: Aah (clapping)
COMENTATOR: Let’s move on.
This here is called Church 309. (pushes a group of people onto the stage from the side)
COMMENTATOR: As you see, contrary to popular opinion, a church is not a building; it is a body of people. This group you’re looking at is loaded with every product imaginable: fun, seriousness, laughter, crabbiness, generosity, selfishness, humility, pride…you can’t imagine how so much could fit into such a small place, but believe me, it’s all in there! Each member’s chemical properties are bound to rub you down the wrong way, while his/her more pleasant ingredients will leave a fresh, fragrant scent that lingers.
This group is just like a real body, and each person is a brick. All these bricks are placed one on top of the other to form walls, (boy wraps himself around girlfriend and commentator shoves him off) until finally the church is built, and then you have walls of people, all surrounding each other, protecting, supporting…you get the picture.
AUDIENCE: (cheers and applauses)
COMMENTATOR: Once you begin committing your life to this, instead of only going on Sundays (and even that may have only been when you felt like it), the bricks start going where they are supposed to - they stop being a pile of rubble.
AUDIENCE: (applauses and smiles)
COMMENTATOR: Moving right along.
Crossliquid: this is a good one. You kneel down here with your Crossliquid; can we get a volunteer? Great. (rubs hands together) What you do is, see, you think of all the crud you’ve got stacked up in that guilt box of yours, and you picture it in your palms. Add some water, see those bubbles sprout up, and it’s all washed away. Nothing like it lad, eh?
VOLUNTEER: (smiling joyously) Should’ve done it every day, not just every time we had a revival conference.
AUDIENCE: (hearty applause)
COMMENTATOR: So, viewers at home and ladies and gentlemen in the audience, what we have today is an incredible offer, such an amazing deal that you won’t believe it unless you experience it for yourselves.
This set of cleaning tools even has a bonus if you order within the next 30 minutes –it’s called Forgivenesshine.
COMMENTATOR: (faces audience) I need a volunteer family, the more dysfunctional the better, ah yes, the Dweebles. (beckons with finger) Come on up, you’re perfect for this little cleaning exercise.
(to Dweebles) Face each other, look every family member in the eye and think of every horrible thing that has ever been done or said to you by each one of them. As expletives rush to your mouth, splash a dab of Forgivenesshine on your lips, and forgive. It will clean the heart, which in turn cleans the mouth, and Thanksgiving dinner will, for once, be a happy time.
COMMENTATOR: Don’t look so shocked Dweebles. Yes, cousins, uncles, aunts too and … need I go on?
(to camera) The value of this product, Forgivenesshine, is beyond belief, and we have included it in this package for you. Can you believe it? I can’t even believe it myself ladies and gentlemen. (shakes head)
Remember, you get the Wordwasheze, the Church 309, the Crossliquid, and the bonus (if you order in the next 30 minutes) the Forgivenesshine –four, yes, four items, all for the easy price of $0 in daily payments of for the rest of your life.
(whispers to script scroller) $0??? There must be something wrong here. $0?….
(dazed) Like I said, a spring-clean is due, and Easter is just around the corner; will YOU clean house this year?
AUDIENCE: YES! (stands and claps)
COMMENTATOR: They say yes, viewers. Order now. (points finger at camera and lifts one eyebrow) You won’t regret it.
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