Sometimes logic has nothing to do with how rationale a person can seem at any given moment. When you throw emotions and confused thoughts into the mix, a person can make some of the craziest decisions all the while believing their logic is sanity at its best.
“Good grief. Does that even make sense?” Ellie asked the computer in front of her. “It seemed so right at the time I googled his name but now I’m not for sure. Why can’t I just hit the stupid send button? Just get it over with. What’s the worst thing that can happen?”
Ellie’s upper lip caught the one tear which slid down her face. Licking her lip she continued to stare at the computer screen.
Let’s face it, rejection hurts. Living a life based on rejection leaves a cavern of hurt which nothing can fill. After years of trying to fill that bottomless pit with drugs and alcohol to ease the pain, Ellie was led to a loving Jesus who was helping her find other ways to fulfill her longings. But sometimes the old wounds would fester. She felt that closure was her only solution to bring healing and peace to her soul.
Fifty-five years ago her mother discovered she was two months pregnant. Her parents already had a six months old daughter and her father, not wanting another child so soon, made arrangements for an illegal abortion. Ellie’s mother wasn’t being given a choice by her abusive husband and, so to protect her unborn child, Mother with baby daughter fled back to her home state. Seven months later Ellie was born. When she was four months old her parents’ divorce became final. She never met her father. Not once did he pick up the phone and call to see how she and her sister were doing. There were no birthday cards, Christmas presents, graduation cards or child support. Nothing but silence. And rejection.
Deciding to take it upon herself to break the fifty-five years of silence, Ellie realized cyberspace was her ally and could help her find the long-lost father she desired to meet. She hadn’t anticipated the strong emotions which boiled over after she had written him a letter and no amount of lecturing herself could make her click the send button. “Grow up, girl!” Ellie scolded. “Stop acting like a baby. Send the email already.”
Placing both hands on the desk she pushed herself up. She shuffled to the kitchen putting one heavy foot in front of the other. The sadness in her spirit kept her from moving any faster. Standing in front of the refrigerator, Ellie looked at the glass of water in her hand. For the first time in months she wanted something much stronger than what she had intended on drinking. Leaning forward with her head on the frig door, she cried out to the Lord for strength. Tears and water mixed together as she gulped down the drink before heading back to the computer.
She was determined to send the letter to her father. Ellie moved her mouse to the send button. Frozen with fear she sat in that position for a long time. “What if this endeavor of my mine doesn’t have a happy-ever-after ending?” she asked the glowing screen in front of her. “What if he still doesn’t want me in his life?”
A verse popped into her thoughts that she had read the previous week. Closing her eyes she scrunched up her nose trying to recall every word of the scripture which had spoken so powerfully to her.
“When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.”*
The muscles in her face relaxed and a look of peace came upon her as she continued to bow her head and reflect on God’s goodness to her. Opening her eyes she tried to remember the last verse in the chapter because it had encouraged her as well.
“Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait I say, on the Lord.”*
A smile replaced her scowl. “You know what?” she said to the computer. “I’m not ready. I don’t have to send the email today. I can wait. I do have a wonderful heavenly Father who loves me and, when the time is right, He will give me the needed strength and courage. It’s okay to wait today. Tomorrow’s another day.”
She did hit the save button.
Psalm 27:10,14 (NKJ)
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