The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 224 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
03/07/14
You've used very descriptive phrases in this piece... "tendril of chimney smoke...shawl of protection... ideas flowing in harmony, etc.

Opinion: I thought you had a great opening paragraph, but it was difficult for me to tell what setting the rest of the story took place. Is it after the funeral and your main character is dreaming, or is "blackness" a metaphor for the grieving "place"? Consider editing for sentence structure and word meaning. For ex: "A whisper of an idea enters my heart, moves to my brain and thoughts pour as if emptying into a bowl at thanksgiving, “Oh, Creator of all,” a pattern of brain activity responds."

The above is a "run-on" sentence that might be written as: "A whisper of an idea enters my heart and moves to my brain. Thoughts pour as if emptying into a bowl at Thanksgiving. A pattern of brain activity responds, "Oh Creator of all." As per word meanings...What do you mean by "a pattern of brain activity responds?" Since most of your piece is in present tense, consider using "stand" for "stood," and "flicker" for " flickered," for "flickered," and "disappear for "disappeared."

Thank you for writing this distinctive piece.




03/08/14
I loved your flowing imagery and the way your words feathered over the page, gently and yet powerfully.

I really enjoyed your beautiful entry. Thank you!

God bless~
Your beginning immediately grabbed my attention and pulled me in. I also totally related to the I haven't cried line. I have grieved greatly, but been unable to cry. That made me relate to the MC right out of the gate.

I was a tad confused if the second part was still the same person. I also noticed you used lay instead of lie, because most of your piece was in the present tense, the correct one would me I lie. (I always look those up because it can be confusing.) Be aware of which tense you are using and try to stay consistent.

I think you nailed the topic in a fresh and interesting way. You also had a clear message that really touched my heart. I've had a death phobia my entire life and your words really touched my heart and lessened my fear. The ending was wonderful, leaving me feeling warm and comforted, which I wasn't expecting in the beginning. This piece felt more like a poem to me and you have a knack with that poetic feeling.