The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
11/23/05
I liked the quotation you have Nico say in paragraph 4...so true. I also liked the statement "For the first time in his life, Nico realized how one can become a close neighbour with death without notice." A very effective line.
In the first paragraph, which was fine otherwise, the phrase about warming him from the inside was repeated. Were you implying two kinds of inner chill: physical and spiritual?
The last sentence in paragraph 7 was a little confusing. To what did "it" refer in the stement "it was a classroom". How Proto responded, because "The doctor was an acquaintance" leads me to believe that Proto had serious regrets about his lack of boldness with the doctor about matters that really counted. Build on that; help us to feel the intensity of that emotion.What you want to say to us is wise and true, but show us the concept through what your characters say and do.
I liked this story. The "doctor was an acquaintance" phrase would have been stronger in dialogue between Pronto and Niko. I really liked the point of this story about Christians laying down salt so others can put on the eternal brakes!
11/24/05
It's got potential bursting from the seams, but for a true winner - I'd take Christine's advice and rewrite it.
I love the characters and the development though. It has the feeling of a good, icey novel.
Ohhhh.... now I'd buy that!
11/24/05
This is advanced? Well,there isn't enough room to be specific; but the very first paragraph repeats itself about "coffee inside"; then a conversation out of the blue-with nothing to do with paragraph before. Yes, a rewrite might make it readable. I'm sorry but I never finished it. Good Luck in your writing career.
11/25/05
I agree that at the end, you should have stayed with the Proto and Nico conversations. Very good point though and written in a way that got it across through our daily lives. Liked that. God bless ya, littlelight