The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
01/23/14
A very touching story and well told. I did notice some punctuation problems here and there.

Overall you captured a touching scene filled with human emotion.

Thanks for sharing.
01/27/14
VERY powerful piece. I could feel the MC's emotions throughout.

Some of your grammar and punctuation errors were a bit distracting from the story - but those kinds of things are relatively easily learned.

Thnks so much for sharing this.
01/27/14
Oh my goodness! What a powerful story, it was so touching and poignant at once. Very good introspective entry. Nicely done.

GOd bless~
This is an interesting POV. You captured the selfishness that most youth have until the world begins to crumple. I liked that you told his focus shifted. It would be even more powerful if you showed it. For example. He shook his head and blinked his eyes in a futile attempt to erase the picture from his mind. Once more he squeezed his eyes shut, praying that when he opened them, Grandma Nell(by giving her a name it helps the reader to connect) wouldn't be laying on the ground in a crumbled heap. Scolding bombarded his mind. "You only cared about your grade? Why didn't you think to take her to lunch? Why didn't you think about her?"
That's just an example to show you what I mean. You have a great grasp on writing and just need to do a bit more showing. I loved your take on the topic and thought it quite clever. I truly enjoyed this piece from beginning to end.
Check out Jan's Writing Basics on the message boards. She gives great tips for all levels of writers.