The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
12/15/13
This is a great story with an interesting and intriguing title. Something that would increase the conflict and interest in the story would be to weave in some dialogue between characters that would show the tension between them (as opposed to only telling the reader about the tension). I really enjoyed reading this story. It has a lot going to it. Keep writing!
Heartbreaking. What an incredible story - I pray it is fiction . . .

Please "throw a brick" for others to enjoy, comment and support your writing:

http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=37705

Hebrews 10:26-31 KJV
Oh this story gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes because I know there are real people out there like your characters. My daughter would tell me stories of kids in college whose parents had similar difficulties. The one that sticks out in my mind is the girl who couldn't go home because she had a zit and her mother would be angry. I thought surely the girl was exaggerating, but my daughter heard her mother yelling about it.

The only red ink I have would be to do a tad more showing in the beginning. I know the word limit makes it difficult, but maybe some dialog in the beginning might help develop the characters more. Example:
Martin stomped off muttering, "Marti, college has changed you. Where is your common sense? I can't believe you didn't get an A in Psychology!"

With her hands on her hips Marti screamed, "I can't do anything right. All you do is pick at everything." She stormed off as her father followed her. When she reached her room, she slammed the door in his face.
I know my example isn't perfect, but I hope it shows what I mean. You may even been able to lead off with something like that to grab the reader's attention right away.

I will point out, however, that the ending was so powerful. The ending is often something that many challengers find challenging, but you nailed it. You left a vivid, yet horrible (the good horrible) picture in my mind. My heart just ached for the parents. I also liked your take on the topic. Though it was subtle, there is no doubt that the "elephant" caused much of the strife. It takes extreme talent to pull that off and you did so in a powerful way. I'll remember this story and that speaks volumes too. When an author can impact the reader like you did that is another great sign of good writing.
12/18/13
I was hoping the rose tattoo was not going to be on the cadaver, but alas, tis a sad tale. I think the title may have been too much of a clue about the ending, Other than that, it is a really good read! Keep up the great work!
12/18/13
Wow, what a tear-jerker. You did a good job building up the suspense and explaining the tension in the family over the tattoo. I must admit, I was rather disappointed at the unhappy ending. I kept hoping for an unexpected surprise at the end. All in all, however, I think you wrote it well. It's certainly an interesting take on the topic.