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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Elephant in the Room (12/05/13)

TITLE: The Rose Tattoo
By Brenda Rice
12/09/13


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The Mathisonís story of happy-ever-after began twenty years ago when Martina Sue Ellen was born after a difficult pregnancy. Marti would be Martin and Sue Ellenís only child. For years their story progressed like a fairytale, but without warning a breach separated father from daughter.

Martin said Marti changed when she went to college. He found fault with every one she liked and every decision she made. Sue Ellen was able to make the transition with her daughter to adulthood, but Martin couldnít let her grow up.

Every visit was filled with tension. Martin was like a cat ready to pounce and Marti seemed to enjoy pushing his buttons. Sue Ellenís stomach needed extra meds every time Marti came home. As tensions increased conversations decreased. The intimate family setting the Mathisons had once enjoyed was a distant memory.

The subject no one was allowed to address was a rose tattoo Marti had gotten on her right shoulder during her first semester of college. Sue Ellen saw it first, but forbade her husband to mention it for fear that Marti would stop coming home.

The atmosphere in the Mathison home deteriorated until Martin sat in the den and Sue Ellen sat in her room, and Marti came home less and less.

It was December 15th and classes ended for Marti, but she had no intention of heading home. She had accepted an invitation to spend the week-end with friends in a secluded cabin in the Smokey Mountains. She was excited and hoped for snow. Marti programmed the GPS and headed to North Carolina for a fun-filled week-end.

From Alabama she headed north to Knoxville, Tennessee and over the Smokey Mountain National Park to North Carolina. She watched carefully for each turn that led her deeper into the rugged mountains, alone.

Sue Ellen called Martiís phone several times that day, but Martiís voice message left no hint of where she was. Concerned Sue Ellen called Martiís best friend, Colleen. Colleen told her Marti was spending the week-end with friends before heading home on Monday. That news provided no comfort for Sue Ellen.

The next week was a blur for the Mathisons. The police assured them they were searching for Marti. The friends had notified Sue Ellen on Saturday morning that Marti never arrived at the cabin. Martiís phone would not accept any more messages. ďOh God, where is my baby?Ē Sue Ellen cried into her pillow.

Martin sat stoic looking out the window at the swing-set where Marti once played. The hardness of his heart was being fractured by the pain that felt as though it would burst his chest.

Three weeks passed without a trace of Marti. Friends came and wentófood was prepared and servedóprayers were prayed. No answers came.

A distant sound woke Martin from a fitful sleep. Clearing his head he realized someone was at the door. The police officer said they had found a young womanís remains in the mountains locked inside the trunk of Martiís car.

The State Police flew the Mathisons to Boone, North Carolina to identify the remains that could be their Marti. They said without positive identification they would have to wait for DNA results which could take another ten days.

The morgue was cold and dark and antiseptic. Nausea turned Sue Ellenís stomach into a hard ball. She kept walking behind her husband down the hall that seemed to have no end.

The officer pushed opened a set of doors and there in the middle of a large space was a table covered by a sheet.

Martinís knees weakened and he grabbed for support. The officer steadied him. Sue Ellen straightened her back, muffled her moans and placed a trembling hand on her husbandís shoulder. They would do this together even if it was the last thing they did together.

The officer briefly explained what decomposition had done to the remains. He told them to take their time and be 100% sure.

When the sheet was pulled back Martin shuddered and Sue Ellen cried out, ďMarti!Ē There on her right shoulder was the rose tattoo.


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This article has been read 157 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Toni Babcock 12/15/13
This is a great story with an interesting and intriguing title. Something that would increase the conflict and interest in the story would be to weave in some dialogue between characters that would show the tension between them (as opposed to only telling the reader about the tension). I really enjoyed reading this story. It has a lot going to it. Keep writing!
Judith Gayle Smith12/15/13
Heartbreaking. What an incredible story - I pray it is fiction . . .

Please "throw a brick" for others to enjoy, comment and support your writing:

http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=37705

Hebrews 10:26-31 KJV
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 12/18/13
Oh this story gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes because I know there are real people out there like your characters. My daughter would tell me stories of kids in college whose parents had similar difficulties. The one that sticks out in my mind is the girl who couldn't go home because she had a zit and her mother would be angry. I thought surely the girl was exaggerating, but my daughter heard her mother yelling about it.

The only red ink I have would be to do a tad more showing in the beginning. I know the word limit makes it difficult, but maybe some dialog in the beginning might help develop the characters more. Example:
Martin stomped off muttering, "Marti, college has changed you. Where is your common sense? I can't believe you didn't get an A in Psychology!"

With her hands on her hips Marti screamed, "I can't do anything right. All you do is pick at everything." She stormed off as her father followed her. When she reached her room, she slammed the door in his face.
I know my example isn't perfect, but I hope it shows what I mean. You may even been able to lead off with something like that to grab the reader's attention right away.

I will point out, however, that the ending was so powerful. The ending is often something that many challengers find challenging, but you nailed it. You left a vivid, yet horrible (the good horrible) picture in my mind. My heart just ached for the parents. I also liked your take on the topic. Though it was subtle, there is no doubt that the "elephant" caused much of the strife. It takes extreme talent to pull that off and you did so in a powerful way. I'll remember this story and that speaks volumes too. When an author can impact the reader like you did that is another great sign of good writing.
Sheldon Bass 12/18/13
I was hoping the rose tattoo was not going to be on the cadaver, but alas, tis a sad tale. I think the title may have been too much of a clue about the ending, Other than that, it is a really good read! Keep up the great work!
Nancy Bucca12/18/13
Wow, what a tear-jerker. You did a good job building up the suspense and explaining the tension in the family over the tattoo. I must admit, I was rather disappointed at the unhappy ending. I kept hoping for an unexpected surprise at the end. All in all, however, I think you wrote it well. It's certainly an interesting take on the topic.