The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
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Date
You captured my attention and kept it with a compelling story. The conclusion delivered a message to be remembered. Well done.
05/17/13
I kind of felt this was true, it held an authentic tone throughout. Thanks for sharing this meaningful story.

God bless~
This is a heart-wrenching tale, yet it has a bittersweet quality about it. It's so important for parents to be able to talk with their kids about anything and that starts with the little things. Your daughter is blessed to have a mom she can come to (even if she went a tad nuts at first :)

The only red ink I might offer is instead of using taglines like she said or I replied, use that space to show the reader some insight to the MC's emotions. For example: “And why is that?” I brushed the hair from my daughter's face.
Hopefully not only does it show who is speaking, but shows the gentle nature of the MC. You may also want to consider giving the daughter a name. Because it's based on a true story you may want to change the name, but you can add that in the author's note.

I think you did a wonderful job with this story. You covered the topic in a couple of good ways while still delivering a powerful message. Congratulations on ranking 3 in your level and 12 overall!