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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Rest (01/17/13)

TITLE: Conspiracy Theory
By Allison Egley


Hello. Orville D. Hare here, of the "Tortoise and the Hare" fame. I want to set the record straight about this story. I know the moral of the story is "slow and steady wins the race," but the other hidden meaning is that I am some lazy bum who has to take rests during a short race, and that I'm some cocky, arrogant fellow who thinks he's better than anyone else. Well, let me tell you the real story.

Now I'll admit, I was a bit... confident in my running abilities, and I did tease that tortoise just a bit, but I'm not sure how this whole "race" idea started. Everyone claims I challenged him to a race, but that's just not true. I don't remember exactly what I said, but a race? Between a tortoise and a hare? I mean... really. Who's – pardon the pun – harebrained idea was that? Certainly not mine. I may be one hair short of a wig, but I am not that stupid.

So, however this whole idea got started, there we were at the starting line. The staring pistol sounded and I took off. I ran for a bit before looking back. That poor tortoise hadn't even crossed the starting line. I knew he was slow, but really? What's in that shell of his anyway? Rocks? And I suppose he's not the most aerodynamic thing in the world, but I certainly expected him to be a little faster than that. Now, I'll admit, my first break was indeed just a rest. I mean, I didn't want to humiliate the poor guy, so I thought I'd take a bit of a rest. You know. Sit on the sidelines and... cheer him on. Yeah. That's it. I was cheering him on.

Well, I must have been just a wee bit tired from my preemptive first place victory celebration. You see, my best friend, rabbit, couldn't come to the race, so I decided to celebrate with him early. I had this thing in the bag, right? So I took a rest and fell asleep. When I woke up, he was ahead of me, so I decided I'd walk at a nice leisurely pace to catch up.

But then I remembered something. It was April 15th. I forgot to mail my taxes! So I ran home and then to the post office. Do you have any idea how lame it would sound to say "Sorry. I couldn’t mail my taxes. I was racing a tortoise"? Well, apparently, the entire county is filled with procrastinators, because that line was out the door. Again, I couldn't ask to go to the front of the line because I was racing a tortoise. Who would believe that? You see, I wasn't just resting on my laurels. I was fulfilling my civic duty.

When I got back, he had gained quite a bit of distance. I started to run again, but I caught up in about 13.7 seconds. I decided I'd just end this whole debacle now, and started running for the finish line. Then I started feeling bad for trouncing him so soundly. I decided I'd buy him an apology card. So I ran to the card shop. Lo and behold, there were no cards that were appropriate for a hare racing a tortoise. Again, stupid idea. Why would anyone ever need a card like that? So I bought a blank card. I'd write my own note. Now, would you believe the animal running the register was a snail? Literally. By the time he finished, it was already dark. Again, I was not just taking a rest. I was being a gracious winner.

I ran back to the race, and that little rascal was about to cross the finish line. No problem. It took him five minutes to cross the starting line. Piece of cake. You know what he did next? He got a sudden burst of speed, that's what. Must have been adrenaline or something. I mean, I almost thought he was my kid for a second. I ran as fast as I could, but he beat me. By a hair.

That's my side of the story. You can believe this whole "Slow and steady wins the race" thing if you want, and you can think I'm some lazy bum who only wants to nap, but it's just not true. That's just the story the media wants you to believe. It's a conspiracy theory, I tell you.

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This article has been read 853 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/24/13
Oh man what a hoot! I totally loved this. I don't think the smile left my face one. I noticed some tiny errors like staring pistol, now maybe you did mean the gun was staring at someone, but I assumed you meant starting pistol. This is a wonderful satiric piece. I enjoyed every word.
Bonnie Bowden 01/24/13
I laughed so hard. Your conspiracy theory works for me.
Joe Moreland01/25/13
As my friend, Tony the Tiger, might say - This was just grrreat! :)

Absolutely beautiful. Great timing and pace and your inner dialogue from the hare was perfect.
C D Swanson 01/25/13
I don't mean to split hares, but this may be one of your best yet!

Loved it. THanks for sharing.

God bless~
Melanie Kerr 01/26/13
Excellent tongue in cheek humour. I liked the bit about celebrating the win beforehand.
Danielle King 01/26/13
Your conspiracy story is superb. A great idea, a 'just right' pace throughout and so entertaining. Loved it!
Alicia Renkema01/26/13
You have one amazing imagination! This was such a clever and imaginative piece. The Hare's whole attitude from beginning to end was hilarious, and I loved the way he introduces himself in the beginning. I felt as if he were perched up next to me telling me "his side of the story." I loved the reasons you "invented" for why this hare lost the race; finishing taxes and making sure they are mailed on time; buying the tortoise a card because he's still so sure he's going to win the race. I hesitate to even make some tiny suggestions because your writing is so advanced but there are two that I have to offer. The first is in the 3rd to the last paragraph you use the word Again, both in the same fashion as one another very close together. I would do away with which ever one you don't think is the most important one for the story. My second thought is that I think ending your story with the word "hair" as a play on words is a stronger ending, without the last paragraph. I would just say, "I ran as fast as I could but what do you know, he beat me by a hair." I almost feel guilty about making any suggestions on a writing that is of this standard. You have the most amazing wit! Thank you for the simple pleasure of being able to read something that was just so much plain fun!
Dannie Hawley 01/26/13
If ever they find a way to bottle one's creativity to market for cash, you'll be a billionaire and I'll be first in line at your door! This is just fantastic! Maybe you could do the same with the rest of the famous fables? In addition, there is a certain bit of truth to be taken out of this story, just as in those fables already published!
Christina Banks 01/26/13
This is just wonderful! I love the way that you set the story straight. I'm grinning from ear to ear.
Carolyn Ancell01/27/13
Ditto everything above! This made my day. Then I read it aloud to my husband, who loved it.
Virgil Youngblood 01/27/13
Ahhh,the best laid plans of a hare to win. Delightful!
Myrna Noyes01/27/13
Ha-ha!! Clever and funny! I really enjoyed reading a hare's-eye view of this race! It's nice to know the real inside scoop, too! :)
Noel Mitaxa 01/27/13
I won't rabbit on - or rab it in, but we thought we knew all there was to this story. Yet you've tortoise so much more!
And the biggest lesson of all is never accept repsonsibility if you can hang it on a conspiracy!
Thanks for a terrific read.
Ellen Carr 01/28/13
I really enjoyed your take on the tortoise and the hare story. It was most creative and funny. And it's an interesting thing to consider - how often do the 'slow and steady' win the races, especially in modern society!? Thanks.
Loren T. Lowery01/28/13
I've always suspected there was another side to the story (there always is, you know). This was fun and a nice change of "pace" for the challenge this week! Great job.
Beth LaBuff 01/29/13
You've packed this "rest of the story" with an incredible amount of fun! Great work!
Myrna Noyes01/31/13
Hearty congratulations on your E.C. win!! :)
Bea Edwards 01/31/13
The line "one hair short of a wig" priceless...did you make that up to suit this entry? If so- hats off to you! But if you borrowed it -Well- really hats off to you anyway because your story was pure genius.
C D Swanson 01/31/13
Congrats, God bless~
Lillian Rhoades 01/31/13
You put new meaning to the phrase, "Imagination gone wild." :-) Well done.


Joshua Janoski01/31/13
These are the kinds of stories I love to read (and write). Very funny and well written. I loved the part about it being April 15th and him needing to file his taxes.! Congrats on the EC, Allison!