The Sacrifice of Praise.
I clamped my jaw and kept my mouth firmly shut. I just had to, afraid that if I opened my mouth a wail would come out rather than a song. Especially the song the congregation was singing now, 'There is love, deep as the ocean…'
Was it really there, that all-encompassing love the worshipers extolled? Why couldn't I experience it, especially now, when I needed it so badly?
Tears welled up, a sob escaped through my determinedly compressed lips, and I ran and fled the church, humiliated and disgraced by my emotions once again.
I fiddled with the catch of the car, my trembling hands making it nearly impossible to fit the key in the lock. Before I had the chance to open the door, I felt an arm around my shoulders. Blindly I turned and accepted the comforting embrace of my husband.
"Hush, honey, hush," he soothed, cradling me.
"Why?" I wailed. "Why? Am I so bad? Are we being punished?"
"No, honey. Don't talk like that. Don't even think like that. You know that's not what it is."
"Then why?" I challenged again.
"I don't know any more than you do. We'll just have to be patient."
Rearing back I struggled out of his hold, incredulous. "We just have to be patient? We've been married for ten years. I just had my fourth miscarriage, and you tell me I just have to be patient?"
The worst of the grief passed eventually, as it always did. I could sing in church again, although not as full throated as I used to. It was an effort of will, a conscious determination, to praise the Lord, but I did it.
A friend told me of a nutritional regime she'd heard of, which helped women to become pregnant. I decided to try it, of course, just as I had tried everything else I'd heard about or read about to help a successful pregnancy.
And now? I'm singing praises to the Lord all the time. I even use them as a lullaby for our wonderful baby boy.
We called him Isaac, which means, 'laughter followed.'
It is so true, laughter did follow all the tears. My favorite song now is, 'Set free to worship, I'm set free, to praise Him…I'll laugh, I'll dance, I'll shout and sing, Halleluiah, amen, let the praises ring.'
I sing or hum that song all day long.
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