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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Flat (01/03/13)

TITLE: Flattened
By Eddie Snipes


I opened my eyes to see a hazy white moon in the dark sky above me. A chill prickled my skin and I had the taste of bile in my mouth. I was flat on my back. Though my brain was protesting, it couldn’t tell me why. After forcing myself into a sitting position, I looked at the out-of-focus sooty landscape. My hand found my face. Sure enough, my glasses were gone. At least it wasn’t my brain fogging up the world. It was pounding on the inside of my skull, though. Sorry buddy. You’ll have to stay inside.

The knot on my temple was the doorway my gray matter was beating on. I suspected that the wound wasn’t caused from the inside. Maybe my head failed in its attempt to come up with a new knock-knock joke. Like the one about the man who attempted to fix the roof and instead woke up to the voice of his panicked wife trying to revive him. Or the one about the guy trying to fix the car and had it nearly crush him when he forgot to put safety blocks under it. I never saw the humor in my brain’s feeble attempts at wit.

The dim world around me looked more like Renoir’s unfinished work. But then again, the moon looked like a self-portrait of Picasso. I need to find my eyes. I felt sharp grit burrowing into my palms and knees when I rolled over and patted around on Mona Lisa’s head, looking for my spectacles. Just as I decided I’d have to stumble into the blurry night, I felt something smooth at my fingertips. I pulled it to my nose and was delighted to see it wasn’t a paint scraper. I slipped them on and Renoir’s art came alive. So did a lampstand. Or should I say, lampless-stand?

I stood up and the world tilted to the right. With great effort, I forced life back to the left and then balanced it. Somewhat. Now I remember. I decided to jog through the park and the last thing I recalled was saying, “Shouldn’t there be light in this area?”

I staggered home, trying to come up with a reason for my injury that didn’t make me sound clumsy or stupid. When I pushed the door open, the fading aroma of meatloaf greeted me, but it was whisked away by her voice. “Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick.” My wife’s voice rounded the corner just before she did. “Goodness! What happened to your head?”

My mind raced for answers faster than peanut butter on a cold stove. I was jogging and hit a light pole. No. That made me sound both stupid and clumsy. I climbed a tree to save a cat and fell. That sounded clumsy, but more noble. I opened my mouth and said, “I pole-vaulted a cat and hit a light pole.” Well, that was brilliant. I guess I’ll have to tell her about the light pole after all. I wonder if she’ll remind me of last week’s skiing incident with the soap in the shower?

I swear, I’m not clumsy. The ground just loves me. If I could live flat on my back, I’d have the grace of a ballet dancer.

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This article has been read 403 times
Member Comments
Member Date
C D Swanson 01/12/13
This was interesting and a very well writtn entry. Nicely done...loved the last line. I'm still smiling at that unforgettable line.

God bless~
Ellen Carr 01/12/13
I enjoyed your humor. This was an interesting take on the topic. Just wondering - what really happened to the MC? Thanks.
Sarah Elisabeth 01/13/13
“I pole-vaulted a cat and hit a light pole.”

That had me laughing out loud. Perfect line, and great job of making me feel as lost as the MC. My first impression, though, was that this was a serious situation, like a soldier sprawled on a battlefield. Which is probably how the MC felt. Glad for the fun twists and turns to get him back home.
Danielle King 01/13/13
Disaster prone springs to mind. This is a real catalogue of errors. I'm glad you survived long enough to write the last line which rounded it off nicely. Enjoyed the read. Good job.
Noel Mitaxa 01/14/13
Great word pictures, like skiing on the soap in the shower. Very enjoyable read.
Bea Edwards 01/14/13
You had me presupposing all kinds of reasons for his injured state. Thoroughly enjoyed your well written and supurbly crafted story.
Amy Michelle Wiley 01/17/13
Haha! I really hope this rates high. Too funny. The similes and cliches and such would have been overdone except they were so perfect for this. Especially liked: My mind raced faster than peanut butter on a cold stove.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/18/13
Congratulations on your ribbon and for ranking 12 overall!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/18/13
I don't know how I missed this before but am so glad I found it now. Your delightful sense of humor had me snickering throughout. This is an awesome story.