Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Flat (01/03/13)
By Eddie Snipes
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The knot on my temple was the doorway my gray matter was beating on. I suspected that the wound wasn’t caused from the inside. Maybe my head failed in its attempt to come up with a new knock-knock joke. Like the one about the man who attempted to fix the roof and instead woke up to the voice of his panicked wife trying to revive him. Or the one about the guy trying to fix the car and had it nearly crush him when he forgot to put safety blocks under it. I never saw the humor in my brain’s feeble attempts at wit.
The dim world around me looked more like Renoir’s unfinished work. But then again, the moon looked like a self-portrait of Picasso. I need to find my eyes. I felt sharp grit burrowing into my palms and knees when I rolled over and patted around on Mona Lisa’s head, looking for my spectacles. Just as I decided I’d have to stumble into the blurry night, I felt something smooth at my fingertips. I pulled it to my nose and was delighted to see it wasn’t a paint scraper. I slipped them on and Renoir’s art came alive. So did a lampstand. Or should I say, lampless-stand?
I stood up and the world tilted to the right. With great effort, I forced life back to the left and then balanced it. Somewhat. Now I remember. I decided to jog through the park and the last thing I recalled was saying, “Shouldn’t there be light in this area?”
I staggered home, trying to come up with a reason for my injury that didn’t make me sound clumsy or stupid. When I pushed the door open, the fading aroma of meatloaf greeted me, but it was whisked away by her voice. “Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick.” My wife’s voice rounded the corner just before she did. “Goodness! What happened to your head?”
My mind raced for answers faster than peanut butter on a cold stove. I was jogging and hit a light pole. No. That made me sound both stupid and clumsy. I climbed a tree to save a cat and fell. That sounded clumsy, but more noble. I opened my mouth and said, “I pole-vaulted a cat and hit a light pole.” Well, that was brilliant. I guess I’ll have to tell her about the light pole after all. I wonder if she’ll remind me of last week’s skiing incident with the soap in the shower?
I swear, I’m not clumsy. The ground just loves me. If I could live flat on my back, I’d have the grace of a ballet dancer.
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