The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 450 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
12/06/12
This was a lovely read. I especially enjoyed the ending which allowed hope to peek through the clouds. Nicely done. God bless~
12/08/12
I like the multiple kinds of steps in this story. The dialogue felt a little stilted, but it was a great story and lesson. Thanks so much for sharing it!
This is a powerful story and it is a great read for teens and parents alike (and realistically for some tweeners too). It's a topic that can be hard to tackle at times, for sure, but you handled it quite well.

I noticed a small typo I think instead of queue which means line you wanted cue (a signal to act) Some of the teen dialog felt a little unnatural to me. For example this line: "You told me the first step is to acknowledge that I am a sinner in need of a Savior and to repent from my sin." is a perfect line a minister or an adult might use. I imagine coming from a kid it might sound more like: Ya know how ya told me the first step is to admit that I messed up and will probably keep messing up unless I tell God of my mistakes and um, I think you said repent. What's that mean exactly?"
It doesn't have to be this dialect with the ya's but I wanted to show you a stark difference. It's a little thing but it could help more teens be able to relate to this story and turn their lives around.

I think you did a beautiful job of showing Christian's softer side. On first glance, he seemed like a normal teen who ignored Mom the first couple of times because he was engrossed with the video game. But as we read on, we notice this name goes deeper than just a word for people who go to Church. No, you showed what being a Christian is all about: caring, reaching out, protecting, giving strength. I think this was a bit of brilliance as an allegory or even a satire. So many people have a stereotypical idea of what a Christian is. In the beginning, you allowed the reader to buy into that stereotype for a bit and then WHAM! You show the reader the true meaning of Christian. I totally love this piece. I think if you could polish up the dialog some and work on it for as long as you need to perfect it (It's impossible to perfect a piece in a week so know everyone needs to tweak their challenges) that you could submit it to some teen magazines. It's an important talk for every parent to have with their child and I'd guess most need to do it long before they think it's necessary. I hope this reaches many people for I know it will touch hearts and possibly even save a life or two. :)