The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/04/12
You have a lot happening here, with a strong sense of drama as your characters develop.
However the effect is reduced by your use of continuous present tense - which works far better in a play.
The lack of paragraph breaks does not enable us to pause and properly absorb the impact of each element.
This is such a powerful story. I really liked the message in it and thought so many could relate to it.

The only thing I'd really suggest would be smaller paragraphs and double space between to give the reader that all important white space. Also make sure you start a hew paragraph each time someone speaks, even if it's just one word like "Hey!"

I think you had a creative take on the story, including even the stereotypical "bum" yet he was the hero of the story. It makes me stop and wonder how often our judgments stop a hero in action. I really enjoyed this story.