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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Park (10/25/12)

TITLE: A Life in God's Hands
By Shirley Anne
10/31/12


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Sandra spies a young girl dancing along the cobbled path, brushing her tiny fingers over the tops of yellow flowers. The flowers bend slightly as she passes and then bobble up as pressure is released. Wafting spring scents carry on the slight breeze--intertwined fragrant scents of pine needles and cut grass and flowers. It is truly a beautiful morning, and Sandra thanks God for bringing her here today for a brief moment of rest from the busy world of finance. She gazes around her and smiles as she sees a small, white mother duck waddle along, leading seven fluffy, yellow ducklings. The young girl catches her attention again as Sandra sees her stagger. Where is the girl's mother?! The girl is hunched over, and a homeless man, clothes torn and dirty and weather-worn, is reaching for the girl, grabbing her and jerking her upright. Sandra drops her files, paper fluttering in a maelstrom of white, and runs to give chase. "Hey!", she screams. That man must be kidnapping her! As she reaches them, she hears a rasping intake of breath. The girl staggers around coughing, and Sandra sees the homeless man hold up a small, round pebble. "This came out of her mouth", he says gruffly, shoving stray hair out of his eyes with his work rough fingers. "Lucky for her I overslept this morn' 'cause o' them noisy ducks last night". Then he spins around and shuffles slowly away. And Sandra realises she has seen a miracle occur, as God placed the right pieces in place this morning to save a toddler from harm. Sandra's eyes brim over with tears as she stares after the man, not thinking to ask his name. She waits until the out of breath mother arrives, who says she lost sight of her daughter for but an instant, and has been frantically searching the park since then.


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This article has been read 113 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Noel Mitaxa 11/04/12
You have a lot happening here, with a strong sense of drama as your characters develop.
However the effect is reduced by your use of continuous present tense - which works far better in a play.
The lack of paragraph breaks does not enable us to pause and properly absorb the impact of each element.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 11/05/12
This is such a powerful story. I really liked the message in it and thought so many could relate to it.

The only thing I'd really suggest would be smaller paragraphs and double space between to give the reader that all important white space. Also make sure you start a hew paragraph each time someone speaks, even if it's just one word like "Hey!"

I think you had a creative take on the story, including even the stereotypical "bum" yet he was the hero of the story. It makes me stop and wonder how often our judgments stop a hero in action. I really enjoyed this story.