The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/19/12
Nice job with this entry. It was extensive in description and an overall interesting detailed story.

I enjoyed it. Thank you.

God bless~
This is such a beautiful and complex story. I did seriously have goosebumps while reading it. I can see several different messages here and know the Holy Spirit will use them in ways we could never imagine. Personally, This line captured my heart and mind the most: Said he couldn't put her through any more. Said he had to sort out his demons.
Because of my health issues, those words resonated in my soul. I often fear that I'm a burden for those I love and perhaps should leave so not to weigh them down with my problems. Your words gave me much hope.

While this is a great story, doing more showing and tightening up the sentences would make it an outstanding article. For example, when describing the fire, if you had combined the two phrases it would tighten it up and have more of an active feeling to it something like -- A roaring firestorm ravished the hills and valleys of the farm, sweeping down from the north and the west simultaneously.
It may not seem like I changed much but I was able to avoid repeating the word fire, as well as eliminate the word had making it more active. Elsewhere you can switch from telling to showing by replacing some of the passive verbs like was with active ones. For example: Instead of It was their story that reached into his heart. Just change it to Their story reached into and grabbed his heart. It's a tiny thing but it helps the reader connect with the characters more.

That's not saying what you wrote wasn't filled with great detail and mind-numbing scenes because it certainly was. You did a fantastic job of creating an intriguing beginning that drew me in and made me want to keep reading.

Your transitions were seamless and your characters felt real and grabbed my heart. The ending wrapped the story up and left the reader with hope.

You covered the topic in a different way than most which even though a hard subject, it still was refreshing to read a unique tale. The fact that it is based in truth adds even more umph and made me pause and pray for those fighting the fires in Colorado. All in all this is a spectacular example of natural talent and I believe it will touch more people than you can imagine.
07/22/12
This is a good story with a different take on the topic. I love how the kitchen conversations had the deepest effect on the MC. Well done.
07/23/12
This was a very touching and compelling story. It held my attention from beginning to end. I enjoyed the MC's journey and the various peopl ein his life that represented God's grace (his wife, Jill and Tom). What I think struck me the most was how believable it all felt - which can be hard to do with such a short word limit.

This was a excellent piece of writing that left me wanting to know how the story further enfolds.
07/25/12
Very good story, one of my favorites. I love how Brian was searching for God and didn't even realize it. This kept my interest all the way through. God bless!
Congratulations for placing 8th in level three!
01/24/13
I love the joy that triumphs over the heart-break of the devastating fire. The faithfulness of the family shines through. This has "all things work together for good" written all over it. Thanks you!