The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
05/24/12
Wow what a terrific piece of writing... very descriptive, colorful, evoking a range of emotions, for sure! Pass the Kleenex, please, sniff, sniff. Magnificent job!
You have a lot of descriptions in this piece. My heart hurt for the MC and the pain she was going through. I liked how the dark sky mirrored her thoughts.

Personally for me there is a bit too much purple prose. Though some of the descriptions paint a lovely picture others distract me a bit and make it hard to figure out what the story is really about.

I did really enjoy the ending and appreciated the rainbow and storm metaphors. When one has life growing inside, there is a glimmer of hope and you showed that quite nicely. Good job.
05/24/12
Love the title.

Also loved the passion and depth of emotion in this piece. I also enjoyed the intense sensation of all the senses.

However, I agree with Shann, that it was a little over the top. Sometimes, when you remove some of the adjectives and adverbes, the remaining sentence increases in strength.

I would love to show you the edits I would make, if I were critiquing it. You can PM me if you're interested, but I must warn you, I am a lot like William Hung from AI in that 'I've had no professional training!'

In any case, this is a fantastic piece and, with the removal of several descriptors, it would be super-fantastic.
05/26/12
I found this magical and so beautiful in your detailed imagery. I loved the entire piece, and was mesmerized by the whole piece. Thank you so much. Great job!

God Bless~
Hi -

You weave words superbly. Your descriptive content is delightfully engaging.

I love the story, too.
05/28/12
Wow, you certainly got a lot in this story in the allotted word count. Although I appreciate your descriptive writing, I felt in parts it was overdone. It was just too much in my opinion. What I'm trying to say is this...your descriptions were very, very good; however, I would no sooner absorb one of them and would be presented with yet another and I felt this didn't give me the chance to really appreciate what had just been said. Because of this, the read was broken for me. If you have any questions regarding what I'm trying to say, please contact me by PM. I hope this is taken in the spirit in which it is intended. You are an excellent writer and to get from point A to point B in only 750 words was brilliantly done by you.
05/29/12
I agree with the comments already written - overly descriptive in several places with too much imagery. Not that the imagery is negative at all; it is beautiful, and your words are well chosen. Just too many all at once. Comma usage is sparse, and the piece could use a few more to break up your long sentences. Other than that, the content is excellent and you have a talent of writing emotion well. I think you could emphasize the topic a little more - focus on the risk he'd taken and maybe even included dialogue between them regarding her worries for his safety. Great entry! Keep writing. :)
05/29/12
A very descriptive piece that blended in with the mood of the story very well. I like the way you ended the story on a positive note with a glimpse of hope and the beginning of a new life. Nicely written.
Congratulations for placing 10th in level three!