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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Threefold Cord (04/12/12)

TITLE: Drrrumrrrolll Puh-leaze!
By Joe Moreland
04/19/12


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I stood dramatically in front of the youngsters in my children’s Bible study class as my “assistant” balanced one long board between two chairs that were facing each other across a distance of about six feet. I grabbed a corner of the long cape I was wearing with one hand and flourished it as I twirled my top hat deftly with the other.

Okay…so maybe the top hat half-twirled, then fell and rolled across the floor and off my makeshift stage; and maybe my “cape” was more like a dark table cloth that was a little too long to be a cape and tripped me up as I chased the hat around, causing me to tumble off the stage after it. The kids still roared with amazement. Well, it sounded like amazement to me.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” I announced once I was hatted (I know that’s not a word, but I’m a children’s minister and we’re allowed), “what you are about to witness is dangerous and difficult and should, under no circumstances EVER be tried by you at home! Yes, I’m looking directly at you Zack. May I have a drumroll puh-leaze!” I hopped up on one of the chairs and carefully placed one foot on the board as my assistant began to beat out a makeshift drumroll.

“Do you have 911 on speed dial in case this goes wrong?”

“No, but I’ve got your mother on hold, just in case.”

“Good enough! I begin! Drrrumrrrolll puh-leaze!”

“It’s already rolling!” Several smart-alecky children screamed from the audience.

Carefully, I began to slide my foot further out onto the board. A little more…a little more…until I was almost doing the splits.

“PUT YOUR OTHER FOOT OUT!” The ingrates shouted.

Slowly, carefully, I slid my other foot away from the safety of the chair. Gradually my weight began to shift onto the board, until…CRACK! It snapped like a cheap toothpick and I, for the second time that morning, fell crashing off the stage.

“I’m ALRIGHT!” I yelled as I bounced up (partly to calm their fear and partly to cover my blood curdling scream). “Hmmm. We may have to try Plan B instead.”

My assistant quickly brought out two identical boards that were strapped one on top of the other and placed them in the same position as the previous board.

Once again the drumroll began and I took my position. A little sweat ran down my face, perhaps as I slid my full weight onto the double thick boards. Triumph! It held! Still standing in the center, I turned to my captive audience and began to take a little bow. That’s when I heard the creaking.

My audience was literally rolling in their seats (yes, literally) as my planks broke in half, dumping me head first into the front row of spectators. I tried to aim for Zack, but he was too quick for me.

Again I bounced up with a hearty “I’m OKAY!” Actually, it’s a little fuzzy, but I think I crawled pathetically back onto the stage and began to cry uncontrollably as my assistant brought out the triple stack of boards.

The crowd began to chant. “AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN!”

As I stood at my starting point once more, listening to the drumroll and wiping tears from my eyes, I took courage from the incredible confidence and support the kids were showing me (yes that is too what they were doing!). Tentatively I stepped out onto the boards. Immediately I could feel the strength was there to support my full weight and I confidently strolled out to the center.

Once again I turned and faced the crowd and took a bow. As I began to stand back up, with a twinkle in my eye (at least that’s how I imagine it), I took a little hop.

“GASP!” Came the sound from the audience. So I took an even higher jump and got an even louder response.

From the corner of my eye I could see my wife…errr…”assistant” shaking her head, and I wisely decided to not push my luck any further. Without further ado, I hurried across to the other side, hopped down from the chair and immediately stumbled off the stage again.

I stood once more and faced my adoring audience. “So, children, what do you think is the point of this little lesson?”

Zack jumped up and yelled out, “YOU NEED TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT!!!” And then ran as my hat flew after him.


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This article has been read 517 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 04/19/12
Oh my, I so love this! Your comedic timing is brilliant. I was seriously laughing out loud!(Yes I said seriously laughing:) You painted a hysterical picture for me.

The only part that slowed a tad for me was the dialog about 911 in the middle. I had to think a tad too hard to figure out who was speaking.

The ending was perfect. Not only did it make me laugh but your message was crystal clear. You didn't need to spoon feed it to either audience (the kids and the readers) It was spot on topic and creative, fresh and fun.
Noel Mitaxa 04/19/12
This is funny enough to be true. A very enjoyable read, though I thought the topic was "cord," not "board?" Sorry topic you up on that, but I'm sure you've inspired some readers to step into children's ministry, while ensuring that others will never go near it. Well done.
CD (Camille) Swanson 04/20/12
Hahahahahahahaha...This was so cute, and so much fun to read. It made my heart smile. Loved it- Thanks.

God Bless~
Amanda Brogan04/20/12
"Yo mamma's on my speed dial!" (HeHe! Sorry, I couldn't resist. ;) )

This kept me thoroughly amused. I enjoyed it from beginning to perfectly hilarious end! (Though the topic is "cord" and not "board." I totally love your creativity. :) )

I can't think of anything you could add to make this more awesome. Great writing! Thanks for making me smile. :)
Leola Ogle 04/20/12
Oh my, how I loved this story. My applause for all children's church workers and if this pair ever need a job, I encourage them to come to my church...er, never mind. I do love our children's church director. LOL Thanks for this delightful story. God bless!
annie keys04/23/12
Bahahahhahaha! SO glad that I read this! For many MANY years, as in a couple of decades, I worked as assistant Children's Church Pastor. I was able to 'be there' through your story from first hand experience.

Love this entry, just absolutely LOVE it. Only Kid's Church workers can fully understand how magnificent this article is. Well done, good job and hats off, on both the article AND your program.
R. E. Potter04/25/12
I thought this extremely hilarious! Good job!
I laughed--a lot. And it gets across the idea, too, in a humourous way.
Graham Insley 04/25/12
I'm not sure if boards placed one on top of the other is the same as cords twined into each other; but then again who cares, the message remains intact, or is that unbroken. And you remain safely supported by the Three.

Inventive approach and enjoyable read. Well done.
Dannie Hawley 04/26/12
Such a fun read. I was in the audience with those kids and had the same reactions as they did... mission accomplished, right? My only question is if you need any almost-seniors for chaperones for the kids? I'd love to see this in person. You did a fantabulous job and made my morning. I laughed so hard I may just be ready to tackle the rest of the morning's work now. Thanks!
Geoffrey johnstone04/26/12
Well written piece.

You were on topic and I thoroughly enjoyed your story. Not sure if I would be brave enough to try it though.
Edmond Ng 04/26/12
An enjoyable and hilarious read! ROFL! Well done on a nicely written piece!
Amanda Brogan04/26/12
Congrats on your Editor's Choice! This was such a fun story. :)
CD (Camille) Swanson 04/26/12
Congrats! God Bless~
annie keys04/26/12
My heart is smiling--when I read this article, I knew it had to be a winner! Love it! From one "kids church" leader to another---well done, my friend, VERY well done.
Laura Hawbaker 04/26/12
Good job on this humerous, well written piece. Congrats!
Noel Mitaxa 04/26/12
Congratulations on your placing - well done.
Genia Gilbert04/26/12
Congratulations in placing first in your division and number 4 overall!