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"Well, I guess it's now or never." Julie braced herself as she made her way to the bungee jumping platform.
"Hello. Welcome to Jumping Jehosaphat's Bungee Jump." The owner of the attraction greeted Julie with his warm smile. "Are you ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be, I think."
"Great. Let me get cord and we be ready." The owner walked over to the storage bin and pulled out a cord. "Ah. Here we go. Best cord I have."
Julie eyed the cord suspiciously. "Uhh... I think that bungee cord is older than I am."
"No. No. Brand new. I promise."
"Where are you from, anyway?" Julie took a step back. "You sound like one of those computer tech help-line operators."
"You Americans. Always judging. You no need to worry your pretty little head. I run a fine business here."
"Then certainly you have a better cord than that? A back-up cord, perhaps?"
"Ah yes! This cord... did I mention it brand new? This cord come with back-up."
"Great. Let's use that one."
"No can do."
"Uh..." Julie raised her eyebrows. "Dare I ask why?"
"You see, cord so new, back-up not even come yet."
"You mean it didn't come in the mail with that one?"
"No. Security reasons. Post office may loose one package, but they not loose two in a row."
"Look." Julie grabbed the cord, coughing as dust surrounded her. "This has more dust on it than the dust bunnies under by bed."
"No, no, no. Not dust. Special powder. Make cord stronger."
Julie sighed. "Fine. Can I at least see the receipt for this 'new' cord? Or a guarantee, or something?"
"Yes! Comes with guarantee."
"Great. Show it to me."
"No can do."
"Because...."
"Come with back up cord."
"You mean the back-up cord that hasn't arrived yet because they ship it separately for security purposes?"
"Precisely! No worries, though. This cord is threefold cord. Each cord hold five time body weight. That mean whole cord hold fifteen time body weight. No you worry your pretty little head. This cord strong. See?" The owner tugged on the cord. A snapping sound echoed as one strand of the cord broke though the outer cover.
"Um... I think I'm just going to get going now, if you don't mind..."
"No, no. Stay. No worries. Just a weak cord. Means other two cords are stronger than we thought. Each cord hold ten time body weight. Whole cord hold twenty time body weight. You no need to worry your pretty little head."
"Yeah. I won't HAVE a head anymore if I do this. Certainly not a pretty one." Julie attempted to walk to the ladder, but the owner walked in front of her, blocking the way.
"Oh come one now. No you trust me? Cord strong. See? I show you." The owner grabbed Julie by the hand and pulled her over to the supply bin. "Now you stay right there, okay?"
Julie wasn't quite sure why she stayed, but her curiosity got the best of her.
"Now." The owner pulled a weight out of the bin. "This show you cord be strong." He attached the cord to the weight and tossed the cord over the side of the bungee jumping base. A snap resounded, and when the owner hoisted the cord back up, a second strand of the cord poked through the covering.
"Ah. No worries. First two cords weak. Last cord even stronger. Hold thirty time body weight."
"So... wait a second. You're trying to tell me that one cord is stronger than three? That's not only unscientific and mathematically impossible, it's also unbiblical." Julie dug into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone. "I'm calling the police. This place needs to be shut down immediately."
"Oh. No need to do that. I be going." The owner put on a harness and clipped one end of the cord to it and the other end to the anchor on the base.
Julie dialed 911. "Yes. I'm here at Jumping Jehosaphat's Bungee Jump and I need the police right away because... hold on." She turned to the owner. "You aren't going to..."
With that, the man jumped off the base.
Julie quickly got back on the phone. "On second thought, send the police and an ambulance. And perhaps a funeral hearse..."
******
This is not based on a true story. At least I hope it isn't.
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