Today - this day, marks a monumental, significant and life altering accomplishment on my part. Today has been laid on my heart and penned in my diary for twelve months. Today I will accomplish a successful conclusion to widespread speculation.
Today – I am coming out of the closet!
“You’re doing what?” Gasped Kim. “Are you insane or just plain weird?” She giggled at the unintentional pun.
It’s gone on for too long now. The undercurrent of speculation; is she, isn’t she? Can she, can’t she? Time to put the record straight! Kim didn’t believe I’d do it. She told me I was ‘all wind and no notion.’ She has the most peculiar turn of phrase. I don’t understand her version of the English language.
Anyways my mind is made up; I’ve been grossly unfair and I will hold to my word. Today, I am coming out of the closet come hell or high water … that’s hers too! Oh yes, I know I’m in for some serious ribbing. That’s the drawback of apartment sharing; everyone knows your business, every last jot and tittle. And what they don’t know they’ll hypothesise until two plus two equals six.
Still, they’re not a bad bunch really. We have a great laugh together and let’s face it; none of us could stump up the rent money on our own. We pool our meagre resources in order to scrape by in this ultra-basic, three bedrooms, and one bathroom dive. Yes – one bathroom for six women. Doesn’t bear thinking about does it!
But tomorrow there will be shock horror on a scale of gigantic proportions. I must prepare for the fallout. I expect wherever I roam throughout the campus, the startling news will precede me. I can hear it now: ‘What! The beefy bird in number 3; the one with cropped hair and Kermit Frog tattooed on her bum cheek?’ That’s my fellow students for you. No-one would know about the creativity gracing my rump end, if my flat mates hadn’t blabbed! Don’t yer just love’em!
To be truthful I really don’t mind what anyone thinks. I am who I am and I can live with me; so take me or leave me. God created my physical attributes so I reckon He wants me this way. If you knew me you’d know that the girl on the inside doesn’t match the cover.
So here goes. It’s quiet, they’re still sleeping. Maybe that’s an understatement? Ok – they’re comatose! Strike while the iron’s hot! I slide from under the duvet to greet the cold light of day. Without flicking on the lamp I creep precariously across the hazardous floor space, managing to avoid entanglement with strewn garments and dead Starbuck litter. Once in the hallway I gradually become upright like the ape in the evolution of man picture, and head in the direction of the cherished bathroom.
Made it! And not a murmur from Rip Van Winkle’s clan. Now, I should have earned a full half hour to myself. I run the shower, scrub my teeth; lenses – where did I put them – forget the lenses. Now I have at least 15 minutes left.
Ten minutes later and I wonder at my accomplishment; scrubbed up to a sparkling specimen of humanity without disturbing a soul. I also marvel at Mother Nature’s timing as I head next door to the smallest room in the house. I rise early but she sticks to schedule. Oh if only everything in life could be synchronised so smoothly.
A cell phone crows like a cockerel while another performs the Requiem Mass in D minor. I squint at the wristwatch that I’m not wearing yet, as a third one gives a drum roll.
The cacophony of squeals and bumps is a daily occurrence. It could be likened to a jungle call; danger lurks and the warning is heeded. My heart plops into my furry slippers as I hear the stampede from my vantage point behind the locked door.
“It’s way too soon! Give a girl a break.”
With seconds to spare, I open up to an almighty ‘WHOOPEE’ from five sleep-walking students, each stooped with hands tucked overtly between plaited thighs.
In the frenzy Kim gets trampled and elbowed, yet punching the air triumphantly, she points a jubilant finger; first at me, and then the bold letters, ‘WC’ on the door I just scarpered. She’s screeching: “YEAH! She gone ‘n’ dunnit!”
IT’S OFFICIAL – TODAY, BIG BERTHA IS OUT OF THE CLOSET!
*WC – Water Closet.
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