Itís confirmed, Iím a certified idiot? I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be in this place. How could I have been so stupid?
And now, what am I going to do?
Growing up in my parentís home, I was taught what was right and what was wrong. They drilled into my head that life is precious; lying is a sin and respecting your parents is the only way to live. I went to church every Sunday, morning and night, read my Bible and agreed with what I was taught. I drank the purple Koolaid; swallowed it hook, line and sinker.
But then something happened inside me, it was as if everything Iíd believed for so long didnít make sense anymore.
What cracked opened the door of doubt in my heart? Iím not really sure, it just seemed that all of a sudden there was this boiling anger deep in my soul and disillusionment came like a flood washing away my convictions and beliefs in a rushing torrent. In its place bitterness and deceit began to take root.
And I became like a blind person stumbling around in the darkness of my own making. I couldn't see that the pain I was feeling so deeply had a direct correlation with the choices I was making. I ignored the ache in my heart and justified the way I chose to live.
And now here I am 17 and pregnant, torn in two by what I know to be right versus what will be most convenient for me.
The agony in my heart is unspeakable. What do I do?
I know what is growing inside me is more than just a fetus. Itís the way I was taught, it was what I believed but now . . .?
Iíve tried to close my mind and forge a barrier to block out the thoughts I have for this baby but itís like trying to dam Niagara Falls with a two by four. I can see my precious baby his chubby legs kicking the air, cooing and gurgling as babies do with soft plump arms stretched out to me, begging me to pick him up and hold him close. Oh God, what am I going to do!
I had so many plans for my future and it definitely did not include a baby! How can I choose a life filled with dirty diapers, bottles and doctor visits instead of backpacks, studies and dorm life?
And then thereís my parents Ė what will they say? How can I face their shame and disappointment, I know Iíve let them down? Itís funny, even though they have made me so angry and for all intents and purposes I have turned my back on them, I still care what they think. Iíve worn a mask and pretended that I havenít seen their hurt and pain but I have.
And I canít help but wonder what it will be like for them to walk into church knowing that their daughter has a dirty little secret. How will they face their friends? What kind of a daughter am I to bring such hurt into their lives?
There is this knot in the pit of my stomach that wonít go away. And each day it gets tighter as the pressure mounts for me to make a decision. The thought of food makes me want to wretch and I lay awake night after night with thoughts that pound in my head. What am I going to do? I feel so alone. Oh God where are you?
If only, I could just turn back the hands of time. . .
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