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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Embarrassment (01/12/12)

TITLE: Spritzers
By Judy Sauer


“You throw like a girl – only worse” a teammates scoffs my way, in a teasing manner no doubt. I take no offense because it is true. I do not have the gift of throwing a ball far or with velocity, but I do the best I can. In addition to my lack of throwing strength, I dislike fast moving spheres speeding at me. I offer to play right field – the position with the least amount of contact with the ball. It’s safer that way.

Being of short stature, some say I’m vertically challenged. I like my friend’s description better: “Dolls don’t grow.” Placed near the end of the batting order, my name is yelled to go bat. Expectations of me doing anything besides ”Three strikes and you’re out!” does not enter anyone’s mind.

The pitcher winds up and lobs the ball. It takes a high lofty ride as it zeroes in on home plate. With everything I have, my entire body contorts like a twisted donut. I swing the bat and there’s a noise. The steel bat clinks as the ball makes direct contact at the bat’s sweet spot. The large white orb sails over the Second Base player’s head. I run as fast as my little legs allow and safely make my way, huffing and puffy, to first base.

There are two things I hear; clapping, and ”Wow! You got a base hit!” from my husband. This hit surprises me as much as my own team plus our opponents. Happening one time, is a fluke, but twice, definitely not expected. Sure enough, I strike out my next few times at bat.

We begin the last inning and I start up the batting order. Beyond reasonable doubts, I repeat the herculean feat and smack the ball. It soars over the Second base player’s head, again – well out of his reach. The ball drops like a lead balloon. It doesn’t roll much giving me ample time to safely reach first base with full air still in my lungs. Sheer joy, elation, and disbelief … who knew what I could do? Not I.

One week a player’s wife was a no-show. Her sister, who came only to cheer the team on to victory, begrudgingly fills the gap after much persuasion. She has never touched a softball before so I am asked to sacrifice my coveted right field safe haven. “Okay, but don’t put me where the ball comes flying at me.”

My hubby tells the team captain to put me in short center field, and that he will cover behind me. This ensures we not miss any good plays. The captain agrees. I am not wild about this decision because the ball goes to that spot – a lot – definitely far more than my comfort level tolerates. We soon discover I was not born to play short center field.

The batter creams the ball hard and it takes aim on me like a homing pigeon. At least I stop it from rolling – that is the only good part of this play. I scoop up the scuffed white softball, get into my best throw-ready position and hurl it hard. Only there is one huge problem. Everyone sees it happen yet there is nothing I can do to stop my momentum. My left foot pivots on the soft grass. By the time I release it, the ball blasts off like a missile taking aim at the ball field opposite of ours. Everyone yells “FORE!”

Red-faced mortification is an understatement for how I feel. My wobbly legs fall to the ground because I’m laughing so hard. Then it happens; I spritz in my britches. This only makes my most embarrassing moment more humiliating. “Oh Jesus, have mercy on me. Have this ground swallow me up whole,” I plead. The one time I actually throw the ball strong it launches like a projectile at another team’s game.

My husband rushes over but can’t tell if I am laughing or crying. Actually I am doing both – then I spritz a few more times into my britches. “Take me now Jesus. I can’t get up, and there are no bathrooms nearby.”

Twenty years later I still buckle over in laughter as I relive my humiliation – only I’ve since learned how to not spritz on myself. I make a mad dash for the bathroom.

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This article has been read 713 times
Member Comments
Member Date
C D Swanson 01/19/12
This was fun! I laughed through the whole thing.
Nice job. God Bless~
harvestgal Ndaguba01/19/12
Yes, this definitely is a funny one. Oh gosh, I laughed so hard by the time I got to the end. Loved it.
Theresa Santy 01/19/12
So funny! That was not what I was expecting from 'Spritzers!'.

I am left a little curious, however, as to why you were playing baseball when you hated it so much...
marcella franseen01/19/12
That is HILARIOUS and awful all at the same time! :) I'm sure you were very "embarrassed" at the time, but glad you can laugh hard at the memory now!
Hiram Claudio01/20/12
This was too funny. I laughed the hardest at your description of the projectile you launched ... in the direction of the other game. So funny.

I admire your willingness to laugh at this embarrassing moment for you ... both then and now.

Nicely done!
Linda Goergen01/21/12
Oh my, this was funny, but I too was wondering why you were even playing a game you not only didn’t care for but were not good at. Everything is not for everyone that’s for sure. I hope this wasn’t in the middle of the game and you had to wait to get to a bathroom. Certainly would be an unforgettable experience.
Noel Mitaxa 01/21/12
Downunder we know that spritzers are for drinking, but any second meaning about bodily functions is not familiar. However, despite any risk within a wordplay opportunity, could I ask:
A: do you think urine-atural?
B: are you a bladdermouth?
C: (with no wish to faucet) were you later flushed with success?
Those questions aside, it was a very enjoyable and very descriptive read for this aging ex-pitcher...
Danielle King 01/21/12
Spritzing in brichers - that's a new one on me but it has a lovely ring to it. I may try it sometime. This story was very funny and it flowed well - like your spritz did!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/21/12
This is hysterical, I almost spritzed my pants! Nice job of showing the topic.

I did notice in the first line that the noun and verb didn't match. It should be a player scoffs, or players scoff.

The ending was great too. I was a little confused at first what her actual mistake was. At first, I thought she had hit the other team's member or threw to the outfield instead of infield. I finally realized the ball sailed into an adjacent game. I wonder if you could have clarified this just a bit. Thank you for the chuckle. On behalf of all sport-disabled people, I thank you.
Leola Ogle 01/22/12
This is definitely one of my favorites!!! I laughed so hard (but didn't spritz lol. Well written and a fun read! Thanks for sharing! Loved it! God bless!
Ruth Tredway 01/23/12
Oh, my! That's the way I would play. But I try to stay away from those places. A fun read.
Hiram Claudio01/26/12
Reading it again made me laugh again! Congratulations on a well deserved 3rd place ribbon.
Leola Ogle 01/26/12
Congrats Judy! Well done!
Noel Mitaxa 01/26/12
Congratulations on your 3rd placing. Well done
C D Swanson 01/26/12
Congrats on your "funny story." God Bless~