Somewhere in cyberspace, not so long ago, a galactic superstar known as Garth Hideous began waging war against the "haters" of his notorious shareware and "Do It My Way" online programming. But lately the various satellites within his domain have been self destructing, and he is beginning to sense that someone somewhere is up to no bad.
"Garth Hideous to Bored Jader, come into the chat room please.... Bored Jader, do you read me? I know you're tired, but that's no excuse for forgetting your password... Bored Jader, please log in. ... Is something wrong with your search engine?
Two hours later...
"I'm waiting, Bored Jader. ... Waiting patiently... Bored Jader, Bored Jader, do you read me? ... Bored Jader, it's an emergency. I fear someone is jamming our communications. Your system's never been down like this before."
Five minutes later...
"Yo, Garth Hideous. Whaz up?"
"Don't you 'yo' and 'whaz up' me, Bored Jader. You know very well our website has had no tweets or comments for two whole weeks. Our blog is losing viewers left and right. I left a message on your Disgrace Book wall. Don't tell me you haven't read it."
"'Well'? Is 'well' all you have say, Bored Jader? My super star status - I mean OUR super star status - is in danger, and we're about to lose our server... Bored Jader, do you read me? ... Bored Jader! Bored Jader, Space Invader, wake up!"
"You wrote on my wall?"
"Oh for Baal's sake, Bored Jader, you got a virus stuck in your hard drive? Or have you decided you don't want to be my friend anymore? ... Bored Jader?... Bored Jader, where did you go? Come in, Bored Jader! I need you back online. Now!"
The next day...
"Stop goofing off, Bored Jader, and help me locate the disturbance at its source, before my computer crashes and I become nothing more than a supernova has-been."
"Okay, so hold on to your mouse, Garth. I'm back already."
"Took you long enough. And what's with the attitude? You used to call me 'Sir.'"
"Hey, give it a rest, dude 'Sir.' I was just chilling. You know, taking a nice little walk in cyberspace to cool my jets, check out the scenery."
"No wonder you act like you're only half there. Lose a bit of sleep last night?"
"Only for a few minutes - well, maybe a tiny bit longer."
"Don't give me that, Red Eyes. I can tell without you saying it that you've been up all night reading unsolicited emails from unidentified senders."
"Okay, so what if I have? I couldn't help myself. I like to be well read. Besides, the moment I saw that attachment, something tugged at my heartstrings. I had to click on it, and when I did..."
"Don't tell me, let me guess. The site it led you to was 'out of this world,' right?"
"It was more than that. It was awesome. It told me all about a bright, morning star that shines in the darkness - a star beyond compare."
"Bored Jader, you idiot! That's one of Fluke Cy-blogger's Well-Read Eye mind tricks. He knows the more you read, the more you'll heed. I'm surprised you didn't recognize his address right away and immediately delete his message!"
"Oh, but the words and pictures on his site are incredible. They melt in your pupils like honey. Sweet, sweet, sweet! Like no eye candy on earth."
"You fool, Bored Jader. It's poison. Poison! The guy that sent it is a ham, and he's jamming our communications with his spam."
"Mmm, but that spam is so rich! Every gigabyte bite resonates with the love, peace and joy of my incredible Savior. It's way more delectable than any of your snide gossip morsels (which some may call 'divorcels'). And the blood, sweat and tears behind its message are far more real than any of your so-called 'reality' TV ads."
"I can't believe it, but it sounds as if you're telling me goodbye, Bored Jader."
"Actually, I prefer to call it 'logging off,' as in permanently. Oh, and by the way, I'm not bored anymore. Not since I met Him. So goodbye, Garth Hideous. And may we never chat again - for eternity and beyond!"
And that's how Garth Hideous lost both his best apprentice and his only hope for regaining his coveted domain.
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