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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Outlook (06/02/11)

TITLE: Grandma can I tell you something?
By Phee Paradise


Mommy said Sammy put your shoes on but I donít know where they are. Mommy said stop playing with your cars and look for them but I had to finish the race. The 48 car winned. Itís Mommyís favorite number. I found my flip flops but Mommy said theyíre for the beach. I played with Kami at the beach. I swimmed in the waves but Kami was afraid. Look thereís sand in my belly button. Kami took my shovel and bucket. I was mad at her.

Grandma, you know. We went to church before we went to the beach. We sang five songs. Iím five. See, five fingers, one two three four five. Mrs. Wilson said what do you want to sing. Tommy said Jesus loves me but I wanted to sing the walls song. Itís my favorite.

The walls came tumbling down, splat. Like that. You have to go splat, Grandma. I stamped my foot in a puddle and it went splat all over. We got a new sprinkler. It goes round and round like this. I got wet like a shower but not my head. I took a shower after dinner. You say supper but itís dinner. Iím hungry. I want a snack.

Grandma, may I, can you please give me a snack? I want a peach. Peaches are yummy. Tommy doesnít like peaches, he says they stink and have poop inside. giggle Heís silly. He thinks peaches are poopy. giggle Peaches donít have poop in them. Peaches are yummy. Theyíre my favorite. Mommy made waffles for breakfast. Daddy put strawberries and whipped cream on them. When I open my mouth Daddy squirts whipped cream in it. Mommy says stop but Daddy laughs. Strawberries are my favorite. S starts with strawberry. Sss sounds like S just like Sammy. Sss. Sammy.

Please can I, may I have a drink? Can I have the green cup? Green is my favorite but Tommy likes blue. Kamiís bucket is blue but she took my bucket. I hid the shovel for a buried treasure but Kami found it and wouldnít give it back. Her mommy said Kami tell Sammy youíre sorry. Mrs. Wilson says I have to tell Jesus Iím sorry when I make bad choices. Hitting Tommy is a bad choice.

I hit him Ďcause he took my green crayon. Mrs. Wilson took it away but I had to sit in the time out corner. Mrs. Wilson says Jesus is sad I hit Tommy. I told Jesus Iím sorry and I told Tommy Iím sorry but donít take my crayons.

Mrs. Wilson says Jesus loves me. Heís my favorite.

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This article has been read 452 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Leola Ogle 06/10/11
Good story told from a little boy's perspective. Adorable. God bless!
Linda Goergen06/11/11
You have captured the outlook and voice of a little boy very well! I can almost feel the little wheels turning in that little mind as you allow us to look through his eyes! Good Job!
Joe Moreland06/12/11
As someone who has worked in children's ministry for more than 10 years I can absolutely tell you that you captured the mind of a little boy perfectly!

This had me laughing out loud! Great job!
Author Unknown06/13/11
This is a very sweet story from a great POV. The only reddish ink I might offer is that in the formatting, there are words italicized, and I was trying to figure out why they were- unless that's just the emphasis the MC was putting on the words. It was a tiny bit distracting, but just a tiny bit.

Also, I find when I'm in a kid's head, even though more is more when you're in a kid's head-- when you're a grown-up reading it, you still need a pinch less. So if it were me, I'd slim it down a little.

But those are really minor things. I think you did a great job.
Noel Mitaxa 06/14/11
Totally credible POV, though I found the lack of punctuation making it slightly harder to follow.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 06/17/11
Oh I love this! What a delight it was to read!
Congratulations for placing 10th in advanced and 29 overall!