The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
06/09/11
This was beautifully written. Being a mother and grandmother I could feel the MC's yearning for her child. Great work!
This is a good story but I feel a step removed from it. There are a lot of filters in here (something I'm guilty of frequently)-- I pondered this, I felt that, I see this... that kind of thing- instead of letting your reader connect directly. Instead of an I felt cold- a crisp breeze drifts past and sets the hair on my arms upright (kind of cheesy, but I hope that makes sense)- and there are a lot of adverbs in here (ly's). It's a good story, a touching moment in this woman's life- something tragic and she's going back to her touchstone moment, almost literally. Pull the filters off and let your reader just feel it.

If it were me, I'd dig back and and rework it for something else later on. :)

You made it to Masters, you know how to write. So I'm hoping this is helpful and will be creative go-get-em and not too hurtful.
06/15/11
Beautiful. Loved your last sentence, and, personally, didn't see an overabundance of adverbs.