The leader of our ‘healthy lifestyle group’ stood tall and slim, glowing with health and vigour.
“I’m looking forward to hearing your positive propaganda. United, we must combat the advertisements promoting unbalanced eating habits, and primarily addictions to fat, sugar and caffeine.”
Well prepared, I looked forward to a stimulating evening.
Sally picked up her bag of props. “Me first – I’m nervous – just want to be done!”
She set out a bowl of apples, a strip of milk chocolate and a photo frame.
“This apple,” said Sally, picking up a Pink Lady, “is sweet, crisp and delicious. It’s like the healthy glow of my daughter’s cheeks.” She held up the photo of her two-year-old cherub. With windblown blonde hair, her blue eyes and cherry-red lips smiled infectiously.
“This chocolate is poo-brown. Like her dirty … um … you know!”
Sally sat down amidst a round of applause and gales of laughter.
I squirmed in my seat, having second thoughts about my presentation….
Jane stood up. “I’ve got a photo, too, from our Japan trip last year. Look at the sun setting over Mount Fuji. See how red the sky is. And the stark outline of the mountain. I clung to my husband, almost buried myself in his chest, the awesomeness was so intense. I remember that moment every time I bite into a Fuji apple.”
Everyone roared with laughter, and Jane’s face went as red as the apple in her hand. She stammered, “Yeah, um, well, this fancy chocolate ball can’t compare.”
Couldn’t she have compared some red candy? Will anyone notice if I slip out?
Briana the bodybuilder stood up. She had a chopping board, a knife, four oranges, a juicer, two glasses and a can of cola. As she spoke, she deftly cut and squeezed the oranges.
“How many day’s worth of vitamin C is in one glass of freshly squeezed orange juice? Not one. Not two. But five days! And that’s not all, folks. You also get fibre, antioxidants, minerals and more. Just feast your eyes on this bright colour.” Downing a mouthful, she murmured, “Ooh, that’s refreshing.”
Opening the can of cola, she poured half a glassful. “This, on the other hand, it is only good for cleaning silver.” At that, she removed a silver ring and dropped it in.
Diet cola is quite different, I’m sure.
Tracey stepped up to the table with only a picture. It was of her son with a slice of watermelon reaching from ear to ear. “I took this photo on Saturday. Remember how it was so hot we felt we would implode. The kids were upset when I came home with a whopping great melon instead of the chocolate icecream I usually buy for a treat. But you know what? It was more refreshing that that poo-brown sludge could possibly have been.”
Poo-brown sludge? I had a sudden urge to go to the bathroom … and hide until everyone had gone home.
Jacquie was impressive in her business suit. Her presentation was short, sweet and to the point. She placed a banana and a chocolate-coated wafer on the table.
“This banana is hygienically wrapped. Consummation promotes regular bowel function. It is an excellent source of potassium and fibre. This wafer is also hygienically wrapped. Consummation promotes constipation. It is an excellent source of … nothing.”
Jacquie sat down amidst applause. It was my turn.
Metaphorically, literally or both, I was about to die at the hands of ladies I’d once considered friends.
Taking a deep breath, feigning confidence, I placed my bowl of strawberries and chocolate dipping sauce on the table.
“As you bite into a strawberry, the sweetness explodes like a spray of brilliant red fireworks on a jet-black night. So how does one prevent the explosion from dissipating the goodness too far afield?”
I waited as the ladies digested the distressing dilemma.
“Dip the strawberry into the tub of chocolate sauce first. This not only solves the dissipation problem, but it tastes divine.”
I popped the chocolate-coated strawberry into my mouth to an audible gasp from the group.
Briana’s knife was brandished. My blood ran cold.
With a roar, every last group member descended on me.
The apples were quickly chopped into pieces and also immersed in the poo-brown goo.
With just a hint of chocolate sauce on her lips, our leader summarized the evening.
“The Lord gives us all good things to enjoy ... balanced properly, of course. Have a good week ladies.”
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