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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Body Language (11/25/10)

TITLE: The Idiot's Guide to Understanding the Bible
By Gregory Kane
12/01/10


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The Idiot's Guide to Understanding the Bible
Chapter Five - Parts of the Body


An eye for an eye - biblical justification for smashing your brother's Lego castle to smithereens in recompense for his foolishly touching your iPod.

Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh - theological rationale for the unwavering ability of a husband to get on his wife's nerves, rub her up the wrong way, make her blood boil, get under her skin, and generally be a complete pain in the neck.

Gird up your loins - early torture device prescribed for young women who really ought to have been content with the way God made them; similar in design to the corset.

Greet one another with an holy kiss - scripture most likely to be quoted by pious teenagers at an inter-church youth social.

Grey hair is a crown of splendour - scripture most likely to be quoted by men of a certain age once "tall, dark and handsome" has given way to "stooped, faded and wrinkled."

He who has ears, let him hear - verse used to teach basic anatomy to children in Sunday School, often associated with he who has a nose, let him smell, and he who has fingers, let him pick up that chocolate wrapper he just dropped on the floor.

Ishmael was thirteen years old when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin - common though painful Old Testament ritual, almost never ever, not in a month of Sundays, described in any detail whatsoever during the morning sermon.

Let not your left hand know what your right hand is doing - advice for apprentice conjurers at the Israeli branch of the 'Magic Circle'.

Little wine for thy stomachís sake - phenomenon attested to by proponents of total abstinence whereby any wine consumed by Christians in the Bible was immediately transformed into ordinary grape juice.

Lord, dost thou wash my feet? - example of good psychological practice whereby the Master dealt decisively with Peter's foot odour without letting Peter realise that his feet were the only ones in the room that were pongy.

Precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaronís beard, down upon the collar of his robes - common experience in early men's coiffure until the manufacturers of 'Brut' finally improved the viscosity of their aftershave.

Rib - what men relied on to find a wife, prior to the introduction of the village matchmaker.

The husband is the head of the wife - scripture most likely to be quoted by peeved, henpecked husbands, often followed by the rejoinder that it is the neck that turns the head.

They all wept sore, and fell upon Paulís neck, and kissed him - ancient prequel to the Twilight series of novels; fortunately for the apostle the overly affectionate Ephesian vampires were vegetarian.

Turn the other cheek - that is to say the cheeks under your eyes, not the other unmentionables; unless of course your enemy doth smite thee a second time, in which case verily shouldst thou turn thine other cheeks and high tail it out of there.

We have great joy and consolation in thy love, because the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee - compelling evidence that Philemon, a church leader in Colosse ran a lucrative sideline in colonic irrigation for any and all constipated Christians.


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This article has been read 395 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Nancy Bucca 12/02/10
This is a hoot! I love it. I'll be surprised if it doesn't place. Thank you for a little humor to brighten my day.
Donna Emery12/02/10
This was great! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks for a nice laugh
Colin Swann12/04/10
I thought your interpretations were good - does that make me an idiot?
Cheryl Harrison 12/04/10
Ha! I especially liked the grey hair one... Good job.
Noel Mitaxa 12/05/10
Very interesting treatment; though I feel that your joke about Ishmael is the kind of cutting remark that should be completely circumscribed!
Edmond Ng 12/05/10
A hilarious take on the topic! This is a uniquely different piece of work, ideal for those lacking humor. LoL.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 12/06/10
This humor has to be the work of only one person. (I haven't read the hints so I'm not sure). I laughed out loud several tomes. You did a great job and I could see this being expanded easily.
Rachel Phelps12/06/10
Oh, the pastor's kid in me is chuckling somewhat wickedly. LOVED this. Excellent!
Henry Clemmons12/07/10
Very funy, brave, and well presented. I smiled at some, lauged at others, and raised my eyebrows at some;) Great reader involvement, humor and talent.
Lollie Hofer 12/07/10
My grandkids came running to the computer, looking over my shoulder and asking, "Grandma, what's so funny. Read it to us. Why are you laughing so hard?" Bravo, bravo, bravo. I give you standing ovation for this brilliant piece of literature. Best laugh I've had in a long time.
Melanie Kerr 12/07/10
Very entertaining! I liked the wine turning into fruit juice!
Amanda Brogan12/07/10
I could see some of these actually being interpreted that way! Especially the holy kiss, the grey hair, and the husband one. I heard once that a druggy used a verse about God giving us "all the green plants to eat" to justify using marijuana. So yeah ...

LOVE the title! It would take an idiot to believe all that, but a very wise and absolutely hilarious believer to write it. ;)