The Idiot's Guide to Understanding the Bible
Chapter Five - Parts of the Body
An eye for an eye - biblical justification for smashing your brother's Lego castle to smithereens in recompense for his foolishly touching your iPod.
Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh - theological rationale for the unwavering ability of a husband to get on his wife's nerves, rub her up the wrong way, make her blood boil, get under her skin, and generally be a complete pain in the neck.
Gird up your loins - early torture device prescribed for young women who really ought to have been content with the way God made them; similar in design to the corset.
Greet one another with an holy kiss - scripture most likely to be quoted by pious teenagers at an inter-church youth social.
Grey hair is a crown of splendour - scripture most likely to be quoted by men of a certain age once "tall, dark and handsome" has given way to "stooped, faded and wrinkled."
He who has ears, let him hear - verse used to teach basic anatomy to children in Sunday School, often associated with he who has a nose, let him smell, and he who has fingers, let him pick up that chocolate wrapper he just dropped on the floor.
Ishmael was thirteen years old when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin - common though painful Old Testament ritual, almost never ever, not in a month of Sundays, described in any detail whatsoever during the morning sermon.
Let not your left hand know what your right hand is doing - advice for apprentice conjurers at the Israeli branch of the 'Magic Circle'.
Little wine for thy stomachís sake - phenomenon attested to by proponents of total abstinence whereby any wine consumed by Christians in the Bible was immediately transformed into ordinary grape juice.
Lord, dost thou wash my feet? - example of good psychological practice whereby the Master dealt decisively with Peter's foot odour without letting Peter realise that his feet were the only ones in the room that were pongy.
Precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaronís beard, down upon the collar of his robes - common experience in early men's coiffure until the manufacturers of 'Brut' finally improved the viscosity of their aftershave.
Rib - what men relied on to find a wife, prior to the introduction of the village matchmaker.
The husband is the head of the wife - scripture most likely to be quoted by peeved, henpecked husbands, often followed by the rejoinder that it is the neck that turns the head.
They all wept sore, and fell upon Paulís neck, and kissed him - ancient prequel to the Twilight series of novels; fortunately for the apostle the overly affectionate Ephesian vampires were vegetarian.
Turn the other cheek - that is to say the cheeks under your eyes, not the other unmentionables; unless of course your enemy doth smite thee a second time, in which case verily shouldst thou turn thine other cheeks and high tail it out of there.
We have great joy and consolation in thy love, because the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee - compelling evidence that Philemon, a church leader in Colosse ran a lucrative sideline in colonic irrigation for any and all constipated Christians.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
Accept Jesus as Your Lord and Savior Right Now - CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.