The Official Writing Challenge
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A suspenseful story. Although the topic (flowers) is woven in, I didn't feel it was integral. Left me wanting to know what happned to the poor kid. :-)
10/11/05
Oops for Sammy, looks like a rocky road ahead. A well crafted story in which you made me care for the character very quickly and gave me the information I needed to join the dots as to what's going on and what will happen. Yeggy
10/11/05
Great imagination and story line. The only problem here is pacing. There's so much stuffed into the 3rd to the last paragraph that it completely overshadows the rest of the story. Better to mix in a few elements during the course of the piece and then bring it to a conclusion. But, excellent content and a very clever approach!
10/12/05
Wow! What intrigue. I really liked this article. I sure would like to know why the woman smelled funny to Sammy. Could there be a part 2 to this?
10/13/05
Ok I really loved the intrigue here! I was swept right into the feelings of Sammy and I love the way that you brought the magnet in from the very beginning.Admittedly, it's a bit of a stretch that a pinewood car could cause people to be offed but I totally believed it :)
10/13/05
You drew me in very quickly and thoroughly. There had better be a part two to this ... I can't believe you've dropped Sammy into a potential hornet's nest and left us hanging!
10/13/05
Well-written with a keen ear for realistic dialog. I didn't understand the bit about dresses: she wore a shirt under a dress? Sammy wasn't really familiar with dresses? Kinda lost me for a second.

But...I loved the way you wrote this from inside Sammy's head. That was masterful and writerly.
I really enjoyed this fun, intriguing article! Thanks for sharing!
10/13/05
I can't believe I found a typo!!! Hurray for me - but a much bigger hurray for you - GREAT story!
10/13/05
This is a mystery and there are a number of clues.
1. The flowers - Sammy saw flowers as things or family that are buried.
2. The magnets, indeed these are the clue to the whole mystery.
3. The smells, why would he notice the smells. They are associated with bad things.
4. Sammy's age - he is 12, long past Cub Scouts - why does he ask about Cubs then - could it be fear? Note: He blurted out about Cub Scouts.
5. The combo paragrah (3rd. from last) is a clue in itself, were it spread out you would never see the mystery.
6. All the adult and government interest in a fuelless car...hmmm
7. The man greeting Sammy had no way to know about Pine Wood Derby cars - they were from a distant past - EXCEPT Sammy's knowledge of a fuelless prototype.
8. Finally, the flowers on the foster parent walkway - a symbol of a new tragedy ready to happen.

Just thought you might be interested.
intelligent work,deserves a second reading reading if not more!
Okay..... I've got to know what happened to Sammy......... This is too good to stop here. INTENSE APPLAUSE... please write a sequel.
By all means, dub! We've got to know what comes next! Great story!
10/14/05
Sorry, Sammy's fate is sealed, the story points the way, as soon as he sees the flowers he knows that he is doomed. Note: he smelled the danger.

No sequel planned.
10/14/05
OK, so you write a story about a poor kid, whose family gets offed by the mob, or the corrupt government, have the kid sent to live with his family's killers, and will shortly be killed himself...and yet you want us to figure out the mystery behind the magnets? If Sammy had lived (hint hint) I would work on this, however, since i am too busy crying while dropping flower petals on Sammy's grave, i will pass.

Now seeing as how I he was still alive in the end of the stroy, i can imagine my own ending - which is HAPPY - and can honestly say, Very intriguing, susupenseful story! :)
10/14/05
Being a blond most of my life till middle age, mysteries are over my head. But I believe this is well done. The combo paragraph, sure has a lot of 'then's. Given a bigger word allotment, how much more could you intrigue us?! Thanks
I thought the combo paragraph had a lot of "then"s too. I didn't pick up on a couple of things, but I got most of it and figured out what was going on. Cool story!
10/16/05
Thank you for noticing the repetive "then's", and old trick to solidify the POV, as in this case, to the mind of a child as the possible narrator.
10/16/05
What a sad story - I could almost see the little boy and scary that someone would do that over a toy car!
10/16/05
Ah - I read Dub's info after leaving my comment - now some of it does make more sense -I knew there had to be more to it LOL
10/16/05
Suspenseful. I've always liked a good mystery. Great writing Dub!
10/17/05
I also spotted one typo-but oh well--still a great suspense story. Dub, you definately have the hang of hanging us on. I knew from the first this was going to be very interesting and fun to pick through to find the clues--one of my favorite things. Very nice job!!! and great plot. Hope to hear more. God bless ya, littlelight