Dear Supernatural Super Glue Company,
I have to say that I was a bit skeptical—and offended—when I read the claims on your product packaging. In particular, I consider the following statements to border on blasphemy:
- Almost as Strong as God!
- Even Works on the Sabbath While God Rests!
- Resurrection Power—Brings Broken Objects Back to Life!
- What It Joins Together No Man Can Put Asunder!
- Works Invisibly & Mysteriously Like the Holy Spirit!
Yet, I needed Super Glue, and yours was the only one on the shelf at the hardware store.
Now that I have used your product, I can attest that it is the strongest glue in this world and beyond! You might say I am now a true believer in your product and your advertising. Still, I have to wonder why you chose to market your product in the first place.
Clearly you were trying to find a niche in the marketplace, but I fear you may have gone too far. After all, there is nothing wrong with the original Super Glue; it has a great reputation and lives up to its claims. Did it ever occur to you that Super Glue was strong enough and there was no need for a more powerful adhesive?
I will admit that your product is stronger than Super Glue, but does stronger necessarily mean better? After all, you wouldn’t use a jackhammer to crack an egg (unless, of course, that egg had been put back together with Supernatural Super Glue). Upon reflection, I now believe that your slogans are too accurate. This product contains such power as should be reserved for angels. Your glue is simply too powerful to commit to the hands of mere mortals.
Likewise, I agree that your product is completely invisible and works in mysterious ways, but should glue as strong as yours be so difficult to detect and control after it is dispensed? It spreads among objects in ways that are indeed supernatural—though not necessarily divine—and, once it takes hold, nothing in all creation can separate them.
In light of this, are you aware that regular Super Glue remover does not work with your product? This was a major oversight on your part. I do not believe you should continue to market your glue until you have developed a solvent that can remove it. Once you do, I would recommend that these two products be packaged and sold together, or the glue should not be sold at all.
I know these matters require your immediate attention, and I probably should have called your telephone support number so you could act right away to correct these issues. However, it is nearly impossible to dial a cordless phone when the handset cannot be removed from your ear. I would have called you on my cell phone, but it has been glued shut and rendered useless. In any case, it just seemed to make sense to write you a letter while this pen was stuck to my hand, so that it is what I did.
Please ignore the blank pages that follow. A drop of your product fell on my stationery and glued the whole stack together—it really does penetrate better than the competition. Since the post office is on my way to the hospital, I can pay the additional postage required to send the extra sheets to you. However, I will first have to figure out how to get into my purse now that the zipper is locked shut (as you might guess, I am hesitant to pick up a knife or scissors before I head out into public).
Please, let me know how you intend to resolve these issues. God help us all if you should fail! One thing is for sure: no one can accuse you of false advertising.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
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