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They tell my mother I am dead. But I hear them talking above me. I see their luminous shapes.
I can't move. Try. Think. They think I'm dead!
They talk to my mother about harvesting my organs. They tell her I'm brain dead.
They talk about the charts, and seem to have all the answers for her. But she is shaking, crying explosive tears. Please don't cry mom! But she can't hear me. NO one can.
"I can't do it," she says, covering me with her body trembling, and I can feel the bed moving.
I love you mom. I'm so sorry. I tried to kill myself, and now I've driven a stake thru her heart. God forgive me, for what I've done.
The Doctors and nurses try to comfort her. One Doctor, a short little guy, his white robe so large it cuffs his arms. "It's Okay Mrs. Holbrook, It's your call. He's your son."
But others don't give in so easily. They talk to her as if NOW, my life will have meaning, as if now I could be special.
"I'm sorry, no, no, please, please leave us alone. I can't get used to him in this condition, and you want me to offer his baby blue eyes? His heart? His liver?"
"Okay," says the silver haired guy who seemed to be in charge. I watch him wave his clipboard. "Okay let's give her some time."
I'm getting angry now. THINK! But all I can do is think about watching them take parts of my body until all that's left is my soul. Yes. That's it. My soul. My momma knows I have a soul.
She looks over me, tears from her blue eyes, like sea glass shower my face. Maybe they are magic love bullets?
What do I do? What can I do? THINK! THINK!!
I can't move my toes. I can't move my fingers. If only I could do something. Think.
MY mother shadows me. I can feel her kiss my forehead as if she's getting ready to say goodbye. No. No. NO!! Don't go mom. Mom! Please don't give up on me? I'm so, so sorry. I will change. Please talk to God, ask him to give me another chance. I'm scared.
I think she's praying now. She is crying, I think on her knees. I feel the bed trembling. If only I could move.
"I love you son. I will always love you." She blows the strands of hair from my face.
I feel my eyelids move. Do it again mom. Please. She stands back further. No. NO. Don't go.
One last kiss: is this my goodbye kiss mom?
I feel her tears brush my face. If only she knew.
Think.
Wait mom don't go. Wait mom I can barely see you. Don't leave. MOM! Look at me. Just one more time: LOOK AT ME!
IT'S A TEAR MOM. LOOK.
The light above me stings my eyes, and it helps me. But now she's gone. I hear the door open. It closes. My mother is gone. Now I will pay for my sins. I am lost. God save me.
A light floods from the doorway. They are coming to take me away.
Mom? Is that you?
Can you see it? It's my tear mom.
I hear the buzzer. "Help! Help! Nurse!! HELP!!"
They all come rushing in and I feel their wind.
"LOOK, look at my son. Can dead men cry?"
Bitter tears
Infused with love
Bountiful harvest
Loves fertile ground
Eternal seed springs forth life
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