The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/30/10
This was a tragic story on many levels. You did a good job conveying the MC's feelings towards her arranged marriage--and I was sorry for her.
I see this as a novel.

At first, I thought it was the story of Queen Esther

I am only in level one, but to me, the story seemed a lot more telling and jumping around too much.

For me, there were too many facts and names of people squeezed in. It needs to be expanded and dialogued.

Would love to get to the mystery of the parents death.
This is an exciting story. Knowing it was based on the truth made it all the more thrilling.

I was confused in spots and had to read some lines over. I'm not exactly sure if it was I was missing something or your phrasing. But overall I did want to keep reading and I would love to know more of her story. (Even though Historical Fiction isn't my favorite genre)

I wonder if you had to put too much information is so few words to explain everything. I think it would be great to do a novel about her entire life. :)
An interesting story. Since you asked for red ink, it seemed to start slow and was a little "choppy" (did not flow smoothly) with more telling than showing. I think, with a little polishing, you can make this a captivating story.
Congratulations for placing in the top 15 of your level and in the top 40 overall.