If it doesn't rain, then it pours. In normal circumstances that's the kiss of death for any theme park. The name's Lou by the way although my close friends call me Nick. I'm the manager and chief dogsbody at OT Land situated to the north of the rambling old town of Canaan. The park isn't due to open for another month. But it was the dearth rather than the presence of rain that was driving me to distraction.
Our resident Noah is an irritable old codger, but if I do say so myself his ark looks fabulous. Every plank is authentic gopher wood, imported direct from Armenia and the boat spans an impressive 450 feet from bow to stern. The animals have been coached to traipse inside in orderly pairs. And we've a horde of sinners ready to drown raucously under the forthcoming inundation. Only hitch was that my engineers couldn't coax a drop of water out of the state-of-the-art sprinkler system.
Course that's why they have theme park managers, to fine-tune the teething problems and ensure everyone knows what's expected of them. Take David for example. Day by day I watched him go through his routine with Goliath: tall guy flexing his steroid-enhanced muscles; short dude flinging his deadly stone up in the air. Problem was that he kept on missing. Now I'm not blaming the lad. I've seen David slice a cigar in half at fifty paces, one that I happened to be smoking at the time. But that stone just wouldn't catch the Philistine right between the eyes.
Then there was the city of Jericho. Joshua and his mates must have tramped around that town not seven times but seventy times seven. They blew their trumpets until their cheeks ached but those walls just wouldn't fall down. And don't get me started on Jonah. We dunked that prophet so many times you would have thought he had grown gills. But no matter how deep we plunged him, our very own 'Free Willy' just swam right on past.
It was one of our technicians who shed light on the cause of my problem. "You know, Mr Cypher," he snivelled, "it's as if these people have all been let off. No judgment, no punishment for their misdeeds." Immediately I hiked over to the Garden in search of Mr and Mrs Adam. I anticipate that Eden will be our one of our most popular attractions, especially given Eve's penchant for sunbathing in the au naturel. I found our very own blonde bombshell enjoying a quiet soak in her private Jacuzzi. "Fancy a bite of lunch?" I asked, then whisked her away before she could object.
"Don't be absurd, that's rabbit food," I protested when she suggested a Caesar Salad. "What you need is more fruit in your diet. Did you know that fresh fruit does wonders for the complexion?"
Eve expressed ignorance of this commonly attested fact so I pressed home my advantage. "Take this particular tree for example. Not only does its fruit contain vital minerals for a healthy skin, you can apply the pulp as a compress on tired eyes, and the seeds make an outstanding exfoliative."
"But, um, isn't that the one tree we're not supposed to eat from?"
"Well I never. I am being a bit of a Devil, ain't I?"
"It does look rather scrumptious, Nick. And you say it's good for me?"
"Absolutely. Go ahead and have a nibble. You'll be a different person, I guarantee it."
"Hang on a second. I'm sure Adam said something frightfully important, only I was busy plaiting my hair at the time. Didn't he say that this tree would be the death of us?"
"Certainly not. He implied rather that you would be drop dead gorgeous."
Eve didn't hesitate. Snatching one of the pale yellow fruits off a branch, she bit into it and let out a low, intense moan of pleasure as sweet nectar ran down her chest.
"How do I look?"
I was tempted to reply "Like a complete mess" but prudently I said she looked ravishing. At once she grabbed another fruit from the tree and ran off in search of her precious Hubby.
In the distance I heard the welcome rumble of storm clouds, followed moments later by the resounding crash of Jericho's walls. Doubtless Goliath had just received his just desserts and Jonah was deep inside the fish's belly. Sin had belatedly entered my world. And with it the intoxicating savour of death and destruction.
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