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I’m tired, Lord. So tired. Is this how it’s supposed to be? I mean…seriously?
I thought motherhood was going to be filled with coos, cuddles and of course a little crying. But Lord, his screaming cannot be soothed. I’ve worn a path in the carpet with all my walking. I’ve fed him, changed him, burped him, and swaddled him. Nothing works, Lord. Nothing!
I’m wearing down here. Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a mother. I don’t know how much more I can take, Lord. Can you make him stop…please?
I love him, Lord, I do…I just need sleep.
___
Lord? Are you there? ‘Cause I can’t feel you through this pain.
She’s so precious, Lord. So tiny. So frail. I’ve known her just a few short hours but I’d give my life for her. Lord, it hurts so bad I can hardly breathe. There’s a tube down her throat and machines everywhere. Lord, I watch her cry and yet I can’t pick her up…I can’t hear her voice…I can’t comfort her. I can’t handle this, Lord.
You think too much of me to put me through this. I’m not who you think. I can’t handle this…I can’t.
Lord, I’m begging you please; please help her…help me.
I love her so.
___
Hi, Lord. Yeah, I know, it’s another late night conversation from me.
Our newest member of the family just woke up screaming for the third time tonight. Yes, Lord, I’m walking her and getting some great exercise in the process. She sure likes to be held. It’s all good though. She’s such a gift.
I’ve already shown her a picture of her big sister. She looks just like her you know. Well, yeah, of course you know.
It still hurts – the grief – but I’m doing ok. This wee one has a lot to do with that. Oh, can she scream though!
Think I’ll hum to her for a bit.
___
She’s asleep now Lord.
Her chest is rising and falling seamlessly matching her brother’s in the bed along the wall. How he sleeps through her outbursts, I’ll never know.
I’m overwhelmed by their existence, Lord, and so grateful. I can’t take my eyes off them.
I think sleep will wait a bit tonight.
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